it doesn't always have to be beautiful
by swarklesinstorybrooke
Summary: "She's started to remember, Archie. And I don't want her to." After a car accident, Regina is left with amnesia; not remembering her life in Storybrooke or the Enchanted Forest. Emma moves in to take care of her, but the more time the two spend together, the more Regina is plagued with nightmares of an Evil Queen. Angsty and very slow burn Swan Queen.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey everyone! I've been working on this for a while, and I have all of it pre-written so should be uploading every few days.**

**I got the title from a line of a song which I'm using in a few chapters time, and it's also in the play list which I've made to go with this fic with all the songs from each chapter (plus a couple extra) which you can find on 8tracks ( /swarklesinstorybrooke/it-doesn-t-always-have-to-be-beautiful-swan-queen)**

**Warning: Mentions of depression, an identity crisis and a lot of angst (don't worry, I've thrown in some light hearted moments aswell). Rated M mainly for later chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show, the characters or any songs used. (if only I did!)**

* * *

_You see trouble in her eyes_

_And you've noticed, but only realised_

_It's not fading how ever hard you try_

_Cause it's built in her for her life_

_'I'm not alone'_

_You said 'I'm not alone'_

_-Lucy Rose, Night Bus_

* * *

She didn't see it coming until it was too late.

The wolf was in front of her, in the blink of an eye. It had been a long time since Regina had seen a wolf in Storybrooke, and at the sight of one padding along the road in front of the car her and Henry were currently travelling in, she'd slammed on the brakes.

Since the death of Graham, and particularly since she'd decided to live up the 'hero' title she'd been coveting for a while, she'd been cautious to stay true to her promises. A long time ago, she'd promised Graham she wouldn't allow wolves to be killed, and if she really, truly, wanted to be good, some desperate sliver of her mind thought that saving this wolf would bring her true heroism.

Of course it didn't; and as she pressed the brakes, the car began to skid on the wet road, and spun out of control. Regina threw herself in front of Henry, who closed his eyes in anticipation of the impact as the car went crashing into a tree, before it all went black.

* * *

Emma came bursting through the doors of the hospital, her heartbeat so loud she was sure the whole world could hear it, and her eyes searching frantically for Henry or Regina, or failing that Dr Whale.

"Whale!" she exclaimed desperately, spotting him from the corner of her eye.

"Sheriff Swan." he walked over to her, using what seemed to be an attempt at a comforting tone, "no need to worry, Henry is absolutely fine. It looks like Regina shielded him from the worst of it."

"Can I see him?" Emma begged, wanting to see him for herself before she could relax.

"Of course, right this way." Dr Whale beckoned her to follow him along the ward. Emma found herself subconsciously scanning every bed she went past.

"Where's Regina?" she asked suddenly, realising who it was she had been hoping to spot.

"We've put her in a side room. She was a little… distressed."

Emma's heart sank heavily into her feet. "She's ok though, right?" she asked cautiously, afraid of the answer.

"As I said, she suffered the brunt of the force. She's suffered some pretty severe head injuries, a couple of cracked ribs, and she's very weak, but she shouldn't have any permanent -physical- damage."

Emma noticed the inflection. "Physical?"

"Amnesia is not uncommon with injuries such as these. Memories usually return though, so there's no need to worry." The calm tone of Whale's words evoked a burning anger in Emma's chest.

Amnesia.

"How much doesn't she…"

"Everything." Emma had known Whale could be blunt, but he could have least have attempted to soften the blow.

"…. Everything?"

"She has no idea who she is, Sheriff Swan. Mayor or Evil Queen." The pair continued to walk in silence for a moment, the weight of the words hanging in the air, before arriving at a bed occupied by Henry, who was sat cross-legged on top of the covers reading a comic book.

"Hey, Mom." he called out to her, smiling a little as she enveloped him in a tight, warm, thoroughly embarrassing hug. "Calm down, I'm fine. Plus, I got all these comics for free!" Emma couldn't help but smile at her son's silver-lining optimism, even as the tears threatened to spill down her cheeks.

"Sorry, Henry. I was just worried." Emma knew she should be relieved, but she couldn't ignore the niggling feeling still crawling around inside her.

"How's mom?" It was as if Henry had, as he always does, read her mind.

Emma stumbled on her words. "She's… uh… she'll be fine, kid. Try not to worry."

"Dr Whale mentioned amnesia to a nurse earlier.." Henry's brow furrowed and Emma mentally scolded Whale's problems with tact.

"Look, I'll level with you." Emma perched on the end of Henry's hospital bed, regaining composure with a shaky breath. "He's told me the same. Amnesia can be a short-term thing after accidents like this, though. If you want, I'll see if I can go and check on her for myself." Though Emma was desperate to see the woman, the thought absolutely terrified her. Before Emma could consider this any further, however, she heard the sound of hurried footsteps and panicked shouting before her parents came into full-view, rushing down the hallway towards them.

"Oh, thank god!" Mary Margaret looked ready to collapse as she saw Henry, and immediately began fawning over him.

"Henry's fine." Emma confirmed. After a few more moments spent encased in hugs and sweet exchanges in her still-bizarre family situation, Emma was able to wrangle herself free.

"How's Regina?" David asked, picking up on Emma's fixed worried expression.

"… She has some memory loss. Well, all memories." Emma exasperated herself with her tone. Her parents both gasped with horror, and as David rushed to Dr Whale to check on Regina himself, Emma was once again struck by truly how far Regina's relationship with her parents had truly come.

"Can she… talk and everything?" David was asking cautiously as Emma joined the pair.

"Yes, she can. It looks as if her procedural memory, as in things she's learnt; walking, talking, reading, writing, is all unaffected. Miraculous really, but then with the added magic element it would have been impossible to predict the outcome of a head trauma. Which is why we're reluctant to make assumptions about the future."

"Can I go see her?" Emma interrupted, pacing between the two men agitatedly.

"Sheriff, I really don't think that's a good idea."

"No." Emma retorted, evoking a shocked expression on the doctor's face. "She's my son's mother. I need to know she's ok." After a lot more insistence from Emma, with the occasional pitch-in from her father, reminding Dr Whale who was truly in charge, he relented.

"Please, try not to upset her. It took a lot of sedatives to calm her down."

"And as we agreed, don't mention anything about the Enchanted Forest." David reminded his daughter. "She's the mayor. That's all she needs to know. Gods only know how she'd react if she knew she was an evil queen.

"She's not." Emma winced at the reminder of Regina's former life, and braced herself as if for impact before entering the door to her room.

The sight of the woman lying on the bed sent Emma crumbling into the chair to the side of the door. Never had she seen a person look so fragile and small, surrounded by pale pillows and beeping monitors. Her hair was laid perfectly out on the pillow and with her eyes lightly closed Emma couldn't help but draw a comparison between Regina in front of her and the picture of her mother under the sleeping curse from Henry's book.

Emma spent a minute or two sunk into the chair, watching Regina's chest rise and fall as she took in shallow breaths before deciding to talk to her.

"I.. um… you look good, Regina. I don't know what I was expecting, but you look like you just came from the damn salon, for crying out loud." she closed her own eyes, trying to block out the situation and allow her thoughts to freely flow out into the open. "Thanks, for Henry and everything. Whale said you were trying to save him, and, yeah. Thanks. I know you don't remember me, but I really wish you would right now so I could.." Emma stopped abruptly as Regina's dark eyes fluttered open unsurely, and she seemed to sink further into the bed.

"So you could what?" Regina's voice was hushed and weak, and she looked at Emma questioningly. Emma could sense her trying to gauge the status of relationship between the two of them.

"Never mind. It doesn't matter. I just wanted to check you were ok, and you probably want some time to get your head round all this, so I'll leave you to it." Emma got up too quickly, and almost stumbled over the chair leg.

"Wait," Regina tried to sit up in bed, but found herself too weak and allowed Emma to guide her back down under the covers. While Regina's physical strength was obviously affected by the accident, Emma was struck by how much _smaller _she seemed, stripped of all her confidence and bravado. "Thank you. For coming to check on me." Regina offered, at a loss to what she actually wanted to say.

"Anytime." Emma smiled down at her. "Get some sleep. It's Emma, by the way." she thought she saw a flicker of recognition flash across the woman's face, but as soon as it appeared, it was gone.

"Goodbye, Emma." Regina sighed, settling back down into bed as Emma watched, before leaving the room and closing the door quietly behind her.

Emma was rattled. Seeing Regina like that, so stripped of everything that made her _her_ was almost like seeing the ghost of her. She felt compelled to protect her; the powerful queen stuck in a hospital bed with no-one to help her, no memories to console her and nobody to keep her company.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks so much to everyone who has already followed/favourited/reviewed!**

**Somebody asked and I realised that I hadn't mentioned, this is set a month or two after 3B, if Hook and Robin were completely out of the picture:p**

**Here's chapter 2, enjoy!**

* * *

_Sometimes I wish we could be strangers_

_So I didn't have to know your pain_

_But if I kept myself from danger_

_This emptiness would feel the same_

_-Birdy, No Angel_

* * *

As soon as Henry was allowed to leave - thankfully, later that same day, Emma decided she needed to go and see Regina again. As sad as it was, Henry, and by that means herself, were the only people that Regina had to help her, and she couldn't bear the thought of her sat holed up in that hospital bed day in, day out with no-one but Whale to talk to.

After getting Henry's full statement about the accident and writing up a report confirming that it was, indeed, an accident, Emma left the apartment once again. At the hospital she was greeted with frowns, and an insistence from Dr Whale that she "really shouldn't be visiting Regina right now". Emma announced that she was here on official sheriff business, and she would have them all arrested for tampering with an investigation if they forbade her entry.

Of course, they reluctantly let Emma in, making it clear that she knew this was a one-time thing. Regina was lying in very much the same position she had been that morning when Emma saw her, but this time Emma's entrance was greeted with a small, hopeful smile.

"I didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon."

"What can I say; I couldn't keep away," Emma lightened the mood and gave a mischievous smile, pulling the seat from by the door a little closer to Regina's bed. "So, how are you?"

"Not bad, given the circumstances. Headache. Nausea. Confusion…." Regina signalled to her head, and Emma regretted her question.

"Of course. Is there anything you need?"

"Can you tell me some things about me?" Regina blurted out.

"Uh, Dr Whale doesn't think that's the best idea for right now.."

"Screw Dr Whale." Emma chuckled as she saw a glimpse of the woman she… whatever she felt, and realised that even without memories, Regina could still be as fierce as they come.

"Well, your name's Regina Mills. You're the mayor of this town, Storybrooke. You live in this massive house, really classy. Like you." Emma smiled and blushed, and Regina beckoned for her to elaborate. "Yeah, you're very classy, intellegent. Always really sharply dressed, always putting people in their place."

"I sound like a bitch." Regina snorted, startling Emma.

"Eh, you can be." Emma shrugged her shoulders as a joke, "seriously, Regina, you're pretty awesome."

"Glad you think so. They said there was a boy in the car with me…" Regina implied it as a question, hesitantly posed.

"My son, Henry." Emma was reluctant to tell Regina about her connection to the boy, aware that it might upset her to discover she'd forgotten her dearly cherished child.

"And he was in the car with me because…?"

"He's… your son too." Emma scolded herself.

"I see." Regina's eyes glimmered with tears, and unlike her former self, she didn't manage to keep them in. "Are we married?"

Emma choked on the bleach-scented air. "No, no we aren't. He's our son though, we share him. Henry is mine, biologically, and you adopted him. He tracked me down a couple years back, and now we all live here."

Emma could have sworn she saw Regina's face drop. "I see."

"You said that already."

"If you'll forgive me, I was just in a car accident, I would expect I'm not at the top of my game right now. He's alright though; Henry?"

"Yeah, yeah he's great. Thanks to you." Emma looked down and cleared her throat. "I'm sorry. This is just, pretty strange."

"Are we not friends? From your description, I wouldn't expect I have any."

"No, we're friends. I think. Don't sell yourself short; you have plenty. There's me, Henry, Archie, David, Mary-Margaret.." Emma reeled off these names with ease, hoping that they would satisfy Regina's apparent upset at her expected lack of support network.

"At least I won't be overwhelmed with well-wishers.." Regina smiled sadly, looking down to smooth the material of the covers pulled tightly over her legs.

It dawned on Emma; she'd forgotten everything. Not just Henry, not just her life in Storybrooke, but _everything_ that had happened to her. Her mother, Graham, Daniel (who Emma still didn't know the full story about, only snippets from Mary Margaret), her old life. Her crimes, her evil, her redemption. It was as if everything Emma had seen of Regina in the last few years; all of her hard work and attempts to be good, a hero, had gone to waste.

Regina wasn't cold or vengeful anymore, because she'd never learnt to be. As Regina herself once said, evil isn't born, it's made, and that was abundantly clear to Emma now that she saw Regina without memories of her life; a lonely, vulnerable, _innocent_ woman.

"Would you really want loads of people here, though? All crowding in, fussing, keeping you awake. The old Regina would…" Emma paused as Regina winced.

"Maybe I didn't. I think I would though, now. Is this normal? For me to change?"

"Maybe you haven't changed. Maybe you were always like this, underneath all your exterior."

"Do you think?"

"I always hoped." Emma admitted, meeting her eyes once again with the gleaming, wet eyes staring holes into her. She continued to look for as long as she could bear, searching the eyes for any of the evil that once resided there. All she was greeted with, however, was tears, and increasingly rapid blinking as the woman eventually tore her eyes away from Emma's.

"I should, uh… be going. Are you gonna be ok here?"

"Of course I will." she did it again; Regina's face painfully conceded into a sad smile that ripped Emma's heart in two.

* * *

"Do you think I'll ever get my memories back?" when Emma returned in spite of Whale's disapproving the next day, Regina was looking brighter. It was only a slight change, but it made Emma's heart leap at the thought that she may be getting better.

"That's really not a question for me to answer, Regina."

"I attempted asking that insufferable Doctor, but he kept using vague terminology, I'd assume in an attempt to confuse me." Regina's fire was most definitely returning, and Emma could feel herself liking this Regina; a mix of her usual self and what she suspected was her personality pre-marrying Leopold.

"Give the guy a break, for once I think that's not his fault. He can't make you any promises."

"Have we had run-ins before?"

"… Story for another time." Emma raised her eyebrows and changed the topic swiftly, asking Regina how she'd slept, and if there was any word on when she would be able to leave.

"Not yet. They want to be sure I'm capable of looking after myself before they release me, which is absurd if you ask me. I'm fine." Regina shifted uncomfortably a little too swiftly, and grabbed her head as she did so, as if in pain.

"Hey, take it easy." Emma crossed over to her, pulling the covers back over her and smoothing down the hair that had been left on end by the movement of the woman's hand. "You aren't fine. Just listen to him, please."

Regina smiled at Emma fondly, if a little perplexed by her intentions.

* * *

Their visits continued in much the same stead for the next two weeks. Emma would pop her head in on her way to work, and would stop by after to try and placate the woman's growing cabin fever. One conversation, however, left Emma with a sour taste in her mouth.

"I had a dream last night." Regina began carefully, looking down as she did when they approached an uncomfortable subject.

"Oh?"

"My first, since the accident. I was in a castle of some kind, and it was dark. You were running behind me in some kind of… knight's armour, and I realised you were chasing me. I turned to run and saw something glowing red in front of me. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that I needed it, but as I got closer to it, it got darker and darker until it turned to ash and crumbled on the ground."

Emma let this hang in the air for a minute. "Was it a nightmare?"

"I think so. I was afraid, but not of you. I don't know what of."

Emma tried to decide the best way to handle this. "Amnesia can do crazy things to people. Hey, some people wake up speaking a whole different language. Don't worry about a dream, ok?"

Regina paused as if to consider. "You're probably right. The, um… the Doctor told me I can go home soon."

"Hey, that's great!" Emma patted her lightly on the knee. Through each meeting, Emma had been sub-consciously pulling her chair closer and closer to Regina's bed, but this was the first time she had dared break the touch barrier.

"There's conditions, though. I'm not allowed to work, which is frankly a blessing seeing as I don't have the slightest idea how to run a town. And…" Regina stopped.

"And?"

"I need to stay with someone. Or rather, someone needs to stay with me."

"I will." Emma volunteered, a little too quickly. "I mean, if you want. You know you can trust me, I'm not going to kill you in the middle of the night or anything." Emma gave herself a mental slap across the face as she once again put her foot in her mouth, even though Regina remained oblivious.

"I think I'd like that." Regina smiled, widely, for the first time Emma could remember.

* * *

**A/N: Please review if you have the time, or hit me up on tumblr (swarklesinstorybrooke) :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hello hello! I know I only updated yesterday, but I was bored and decided to upload the next chapter now. Just so you know, there's going to be 20 altogether, unless I think of anything else major I want to put in.**

**ps I noticed that other countries spell words like "saviour" differently than we do in England, so I promise you I can spell it:p**

**Enjoy! :)**

* * *

_I'm not their hero_

_But that doesn't mean I wasn't brave_

_I never walked the party line_

_Doesn't mean that I was never afraid_

_I'm not your hero_

_But that doesn't mean we're not one and the same_

_-Tegan and Sara, I'm Not Your Hero_

* * *

A few days later, Regina was just about ready for release. Having turned away a wheelchair with her characteristic grimace, leaving the nurses cowering, Emma arrived at the hospital to see Regina pulling herself around her room, grabbing onto every surface she came across to steady herself.

"I wish you weren't so stubborn, you know."

"I'm _fine,_ Emma. Leave the wheelchairs for the people that really need it."

"If you say so.." Emma picks up Regina's bag, and implores the woman to take her other arm. Regina feigns irritation at the arm, before accepting the act of chivalry and taking it with a coy smile.

"Please say you're joking." Regina spluttered when she saw the brightly coloured bug in wait.

"You're joking, if you think I'm giving you a lift with that attitude. Just suck it up and get in." Emma attempted to guide her to the door, but her hand was batted away. "It's going to be a long few weeks." Emma sighs to herself.

Arriving at Regina's house, the owner was a little stunned. "Hmm, haven't I done well for myself."

"You sure have. Nothing's too good for Regina Mills." Emma switches the engine off and turns to face the other woman. "You ready?"

Regina took in a shallow, shaky breath. "Let's just go inside, I could do with a lie down."

Emma spends a few seconds fiddling with the keys, dropping them on the floor once, earning a sigh from Regina, before finally opening the door to the house that still seemed a little of a mystery to her.

"Dr Whale has said you need to stay in bed for a few days still, so you aren't coming down here. No arguments." Emma shut the door behind them and put Regina's bag down on the floor.

"You're very demanding, Miss Swan." Regina attempted to tease, and saw Emma visibly shocked.

"Sorry, you just… you used to call me that. When I was in trouble."

"Was that often?"

Emma laughed uncomfortably, "Sometimes."

* * *

A few hours later, after leaving Regina in her bedroom to settle in, Emma was wandering around the house restless. She was supposed to be in charge, to be running the house, but she could barely sit on the couch without feeling like Regina was going to saunter in boldly and scold her for doing so.

She chanced a glance over the photos on the mantle-piece. One of Henry, a couple of years old, running gleefully through the back garden. Another of him, more recently, on school photo day, sat up rigidly straight and sporting his characteristic grin. And finally, one of him as a baby in Regina's arms. He couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 months old, and Emma felt an overwhelming surge of guilt once again that she missed out on that. Even though she wouldn't want to change the situation now, regret still seeped out of her at every opportunity. When she sees her younger brother, especially, and her mother and father raising him the way they should have raised Emma, and how she should have raised her own son.

These thoughts were soon interrupted by shouts from upstairs. "No! Stop!" Regina shouted in a coarse voice, and Emma raced up the stairs, grabbing her gun from the sideboard as she did so.

Upon entering Regina's room, however, she saw the woman was still asleep, thrashing around in bed as beads of sweat dripped from her forehead.

"Hey, hey. Regina. Wake up." Emma knelt at the side of Regina, and began to stroke loose bits of dark hair behind the woman's ear. "It's okay, I'm here."

"I had another one of those dreams." Regina squinted, regaining consciousness. "I was… pure evil. I hardly recognised it was me, Emma. Or maybe it was me; I'm hardly in the position to know. I took a man's heart, and I was so… blasé about it. It was terrifying, I terrified -myself-. It was so real."

"It's not, Regina. You aren't evil. Dreams make you believe things, and people tell you things, and one day you're going to start believing it. You're a good person. You may have done some things in the past that were a little… extreme, but trust me when I tell you that you are not that person anymore. Seriously, Regina." Emma felt partially to blame for these dreams. She flashed back to Graham before he died, and how he'd started to remember his past life. She knew it was down to her; she was the Saviour, and getting too close led to this. She just really wished it didn't.

"I'm sorry. You must think me a complete idiot." Regina wiped a stray tear from her cheek and sat up in bed.

"Nah. Reacting like this? It shows humanity. It shows that you care what kind of a person you are, and you care if people get hurt. And that's really great." Emma patted Regina lightly on the cheek reassuringly, before getting up and sitting on the opposite side of the bed, facing the woman. "What do you want to do tonight then?"

"Well, I assume hitting the town red is out of the question." Regina responded, thankful of the change in conversation.

"There's not much of a town to paint red. Or much paint to do it with. We could probably paint it a nice light grey, but I'd leave it a while before we go that wild."

"If you insist." Regina laughed, perking up slightly as Emma continued to joke with her for a while.

After about an hour, as the sun began to set over the town, Emma ran out to the store and brought supplies. Stopping at Granny's on her way back for a burger and a salad to take back with her, she was stopped by Ruby and Henry.

"Ma, how is she?" Henry hugged his mother tightly, almost knocking the bags out of her hands.

"She's resting. She's getting stronger though."

"Still doesn't remember anything?" Ruby asked, with a look of sympathy. Emma's parents had briefed the town about what was going on with Regina, and surprisingly most of them had been very sympathetic. Regina had truly shown in the past few months that the safety of the town and its inhabitants was now the most important thing to her, and many seemed to have responded to that.

"Nope." Emma attempted a smile at the woman, pulling her son tighter.

"God, poor Regina. Jeez, never thought I'd be saying that." Ruby raised her eyebrows in shock at her sympathy towards the former Evil Queen.

"I best be getting back, anyway. She'll be wondering where I am." Emma picked up the bag that Ruby had left on the counter for her, and gave her son one last hug for good measure. "Be good for your grandparents, I'll see you soon."

* * *

Emma almost broke out into a jog on the short walk back to Regina's, truly reluctant to leave her alone for more than a couple of minutes. In spite of Emma's overwhelming attraction towards the woman, the protectiveness she felt over her in this vulnerable state was ever-growing, and leaving her all alone in an unfamiliar house made her tense.

"Salad for madame." Emma put the bag from Granny's down in the middle of the bed, and gave Regina a plate.

"Great, thank you." Emma pulled her burger from the bag, and looked at it ravenously. "My my, how healthy you are." Regina noted sardonically.

"Hey, there's lettuce. That's healthy." Emma took the leaf out of the bun and waved it in the air.

"I really don't know how you manage to stay so thin."

"You'd be surprised. I've been known to do some pretty mean running in my time."

"I'm sure you have, dear." The two women ate for a few minutes in silence. "So.. I never married?" Regina asked, once again fishing for information on her life.

"Nope, no marriage." Emma considered mentioning Daniel, but Dr Whale's insistence at keeping Regina calm raced around her head.

"And you?"

"Unfortunately for mankind, no." Emma laughed. "I nearly did though, once. Or at least, I thought about it."

"Henry's father?"

"One and the same." Emma coughed nervously. "Neal. We had this sort of… fairytale romance. Or at least, it felt that way to me. We were going to travel, do anything and everything together."

"What happened?"

"Well, he got me put in jail, so that was pretty much the end of that."

Regina's brow furrowed in concern, and she placed a hand on top of Emma's. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, it was a long time ago. We actually bumped into each other about a year ago. Funny story; his dad, Mr Gold, lives in town. Asked me to help him find his son, and you can imagine my surprise when I saw who this mysterious son actually was."

"Small world."

"Oh, you have no idea." Emma scoffed, before turning serious again. "Neal died. Not too long ago actually. It was pretty hard on us all, people are pretty close here."

"Oh Emma, I'm so sorry." Regina began stroking circles onto the back of Emma's hand, face still crumpled in sympathy.

"It's okay. I mean, I loved him, but he probably didn't deserve it. I guess you can't help who you fall in love with." Emma ended on this, and both women stayed in silence for a little while longer.

"So you don't have a partner currently then?" Regina questioned, trying to play it off as passing interest.

"Mayor Mills, are you digging to find out if I'm single?" Emma replied flirtatiously, pulling a mock-shocked face.

Regina was caught of guard. "No, of course not. I was just curious as to who was raising our son, that's all."

"Of course. Well no, I'm single. No-one to speak of."

Regina smiled to herself.

* * *

More hours passed, and before Emma knew it the clock had struck midnight.

"Regina, you _really _need to be getting some sleep. Whale would kill me if he knew."

"Can you blame me? I really don't want to have another of those dreams, Emma." Regina looked genuinely afraid at the idea of going to sleep, and so Emma took a gamble.

"Do you want me to stay in here for a little while? Just until you fall asleep."

"Could you… could you stay in here for the night?" Regina almost whispered. "You make me feel safe, Emma. Of everything, you seem to be the only thing that does right now."

"Of course I will." Emma smiled for solidarity, ignoring the gnawing feeling of fear in her heart.

The two women separated for a few minutes while both got changed and ready for bed. Emma hadn't picked up any clothes yet, and so was having to sleep in a tank top and underwear. Deciding that Regina wouldn't mind, she grabbed a blanket from the guest room she had decided to claim and walked hesitantly back to Regina's bedroom.

"Regina?" she knocked the door, and was called in. Regina was already changed and lying down on her side of the bed. Emma was startled at Regina's still frail appearance. Her silk pyjamas were almost falling off her, and her skin still pale.

"Sorry, forgot my clothes." she mumbled apologetically as she got into bed.

"Convenient." Regina sighed, shooting Emma a grin as the woman turned off the light.

Emma, still tense at the idea of sleeping in such close proximity to Regina, positioned herself rigidly on the left hand side of the bed on her back, arms laid flat and purposefully straight by her side.

"Thank you." Regina whispered into the darkness. Emma stayed reluctantly silent, and before long she heard the brunette's breath become deeper as she fell asleep.

* * *

**A/N: Please review or send me a message on tumblr (swarklesinstorybrooke) :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello again! I thought I'd say, and you'll probably be able to tell a bit from this chapter, I'm using characters like Archie and Ruby a lot more in this than the show seems to recently. Maybe I just appreciate them more than the powers that be do!**

**To the guest reviewer who corrected my spelling mistake in chapter 1 - I owe you a drink. But you also ruined my chill, and that's uncool ;)**

**Once again thanks for reading/reviewing etc, enjoy chapter 4!**

* * *

_Darling this is when I met you_

_For the third time, not the last_

_Not the last time we are learning_

_Who we are and what we would_

_You are in the seat beside me_

_And you are in my dreams at night_

_- The Head and The Heart, Josh McBride_

* * *

The night was humid, and stormy, and the only distraction from the incessant rain hitting the windowpanes was Regina calling out in her sleep. Evidently, the dreams were getting more frequent, and although all it took was a few soothing words from Emma to settle her back down, she knew that she had to try and do something about it.

"I'm going to see the psychiatrist today." Emma announced unsurely as her and Regina ate breakfast in bed. "About these nightmares you've been having."

"I see." Regina looked away.

"You can't carry on like this, Regina. I'll see if there's anything he can recommend to stop them, or to help them. I don't like seeing you like that."

"Well it's not exactly a walk in the park for me either!" Regina snapped, getting out of bed after a few failed attempts.

"I'm trying to help, Regina. I'm not the enemy."

"It feels like everything is." Regina put her head in her shaking hands.

"Hey, I know. If you don't want me to go to Archie, I won't. He's a friend, Regina. He's worried about you."

"Go. Please, go to see him. I'm sorry I'm like this, you don't deserve it."

"If you're sure. Right, water, meds, lunch, remote." Emma ran a checklist of the items she had laid out on the dressing table. "Call me if you need anything, literally _anything. _I'll just be a few hours, I need to stop by the station."

"Stop fussing, I'll see you later." Regina brushed off Emma's concern with a brave face, and got back into bed, pulling her knees into her chin.

* * *

"Sheriff Swan!" Archie Hopper greeted Emma with a confused smile as he and Pongo arrived at the office for the day. "Can I help you?"

"I need to talk to you. Regina's been having nightmares, and…" Emma spoke too quickly.

"Come in, come in. Take a seat." Archie looked concerned. "You look exhausted, Emma."

"She's started to remember, Archie."

"And?"

"And I don't want her to. She isn't sleeping. She starts shouting out in the night, kicking, fighting, it's… horrible. She's started getting visions from her past life, you know, ripping hearts out, killing villages. Like Graham did, before he…"

"You think it's your fault." Archie stated, without asking.

"Well, yeah. What else is it going to be? I'm causing her all this pain, and all this worry about herself, and who she is, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm the fucking saviour, Archie."

"So?" Archie encouraged her.

"Why do I have to be? Why do I have to do this to her? Can't she just be happy? I can't even spend time with her without hurting her."

"Emma… can I ask you a question?"

Emma nodded.

"How long have you been in love with Miss Mills?" Emma got up and began to pace for a few seconds, running her hand through her hair.

"I don't know what I am.." Emma calmed down a little, "Maybe I am. Maybe longer than I realise. This whole thing has just made it so damn glaringly obvious that I can't ignore it any more. I feel something for her, Archie, whatever the hell it is, but I can't stop hurting her."

"You can't blame yourself for this. It comes with part of the package, I know, but it's not _you. _You need to work with creating some distance between yourself and the Saviour persona; and I'm aware that you've spent a long time becoming acquainted with it, but at this point it's not doing you any good. I'm not speaking as a therapist, Emma, I'm speaking as your friend. Just give yourself a break. You aren't causing this."

"Yeah, like that would work."

"Do this for Regina, more than anything else. You want to be there for her, to truly be there for her? You need to let go of this guilt. It's going to keep eating you up inside until it gets to the point where you can't even look her in the eye, so it's best to stop it now. And if you _do_ love her, remember: love is selfless, Emma. _Be _selfless, and let the Saviour attitude go."

Emma knew Archie was right. She knew that as last night went on, she had began to beat herself up more and more over the situation to the point where she considered running out on Regina in the middle of the night, so as to not cause her any more pain.

"Thanks, Archie. Sorry for freaking out."

"It's completely understandable in your situation. Please call me if you ever need someone to talk to, and you feel like you can't talk to anyone else. As for Regina, try getting her outside a little, when she's up for it. Borrow a wheelchair and take her out to get some fresh air, and see if you can get her to do some form of relaxation."

"Yeah right, like she'll go for that."

"Worth a try." Archie smiled in finality, and guided Emma to the door.

* * *

"A walk? I'm not sure I'm up for it, Emma." Emma had first raised the idea late the next morning, after another sleepless night spent in Regina's bedroom. Regina had continued to show her reluctance all morning, refusing like Henry on a school day to get dressed.

"Get dressed. Last warning, or I'll have to use ninja tactics."

"What are you going to do; ninja me dressed?"

"I'm afraid that's classified."

"Good lord. Look at my clothes though, Emma, I can't very well go for a walk in a dress this tight!" Regina signalled to the endless rows of pristine work outfits hung in her wardrobe.

"Yeah, you might be right there." Emma rummaged around for a few moments, before finding a faded pair of jeans in the back. "Look, wear these and I'll find you a jersey or a jumper of mine to wear."

"Lucky me." Regina continued sarcastically.

After half an hour more fussing, Emma finally helped Regina downstairs. The wheelchair she had picked up after seeing Archie the day before was folded up leant against the wall by the door, and taking one look at it Regina turned to try and get back upstairs.

"Out of the question, Emma."

"You can barely walk; do you really think I'd let you out on the streets like this?"

"I'll look like an invalid."

"You _are _an invalid. For the love of god, Regina, get in it." Emma pulled the wheelchair open and pushed it towards Regina, challenging her in her stern facial expression to argue once more. Regina eventually relented, and sat carefully, giving Emma a squinted stare as she did so.

"If you leave me to roll off, I'll call the police on you."

"Honey, I am the police. God, you can be such a child. Here." Emma grabbed the blanket she was carrying from under her arm and laid it over Regina's legs.

"That's hardly necessary."

"I don't want you getting cold, you're in a bad mood enough as it is. Now, if you're good maybe I'll get you a lollipop." Emma teased, tapping Regina on the nose, while the other woman sighed and crossed her arms pointedly.

The two women, with Regina leading in the chair with a scowl on her face, set off down Main Street. Emma stopped every 20 metres or so to show Regina a building, or a person, or explain things about Storybrooke that came to her mind. Regina spent the journey mostly in silence, and Emma worried that she was a little overwhelmed at her surroundings.

"You alright there?"

"Fine, dear. It's just a lot to take in."

"Sure it is, I get it." The two reached Granny's, and Emma put the brake on the wheelchair. "Right, I'm going to go and get us both a drink. Don't cause any trouble." She posed in a mock-firm voice, and Regina laughed in spite of herself as the blonde strolled in to the diner.

A few moments after Emma entered, Regina was struck by the sight of a gorgeous brunette in impossibly tiny shorts exiting, and stopping dead in front of her. "Regina!"

"Hello."

"Gods, sorry. I'm Ruby, I work here. It's really great to see you out, it really hasn't been the same without you."

"Thank you, Ruby." Regina smiled at the woman, who was seemingly making a genuine effort with her.

Emma left the diner not short after, and saw Regina and Ruby, of all people, having a conversation outside the window.

"Hey, Em. So yeah, Regina, if you ever need anything, you know where I am."

"Absolutely. Goodbye, Ruby." Regina smiled as the woman left, giving a cheery wave as she did so. "She seems nice."

"Yeah, she is." Emma was a little shocked at how friendly the conversation had seemed between the two of them. Emma handed Regina her coffee, and began to push her along the pavement.

"..Attractive too." Regina said after a moment, making Emma spit out the mouthful of hot chocolate she was in the process of swallowing.

"She is, is she?"

"Would the old me not have said that?" Regina questioned, hearing Emma choke from behind her.

"No, you definitely wouldn't have done."

"Well, I must have been thinking it." Emma could feel jealousy rising up in her. Regina turned to look at the woman, who had gone silent, a smile forming on her face. "Don't say you're jealous, Emma."

"That's just wishful thinking."

"You're attractive too, dear." Regina reassured her condescendingly, and Emma sighed relaxedly as she continued to push her back home.

* * *

**A/N: In my head, Archie is an sq shipper. Or at least, he is now.**

**Don't forget to review or send me a message on tumblr, and also remember to head over to 8tracks and listen to the mix ( /swarklesinstorybrooke/it-doesn-t-always-have-to-be-beautiful-swan-queen) which will give you a preview of some of the songs which will be used later on. Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hello again! I know I say it every time, but thanks so much for following/favouriting/reviewing this story, it's really appreciated :)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_I could say I'm sorry_

_But I don't wanna lie_

_I just wanna know if staying_

_Is better than goodbye_

_- The Common Linnets, Calm After The Storm_

* * *

Being out in the fresh air seemed to have done Regina the world of good, and when they returned she slept soundly well into the afternoon and evening. Emma herself was exhausted, but she decided to take the opportunity to call her mother and catch up with her.

"How's the baby?"

"He's really good, so well behaved. Well, most of the time. Charming will hardly leave his side for a second, and I have to say it's a relief having Henry here to spend time with too. I'd be going out of my mind."

"So you're ok with him there then? If it gets too much for you, tell me."

"Emma, relax. We're great. Everything's fine, we just miss you is all." Emma could hear her mother tearing up.

"I'm just down the street!"

"I know, but it's not the same. This is a lovely thing you're doing, Emma. Gods know she wouldn't do the same if she was in your position."

"You don't think?"

"I don't think anyone would, Emma. You've taken on so much."

Emma considered this point for a while after her mother reluctantly ended the conversation. It had never crossed her mind to do anything other than care for Regina. The woman was living alone, in a strange town, with no idea who anyone was. She couldn't sleep, she could barely walk; what was Emma supposed to do? In hindsight, she knew that Regina hadn't been her responsibility, but she was now. And she always would be.

"You look deep in thought. Don't strain yourself." Emma heard a voice from behind her, and immediately jumped up to help Regina sit down. "Stop fussing Emma."

"Less of the sarcasm, I don't _have_ to be here you know, I'm doing it out of the goodness of my heart."

"I know dear, and I'm grateful. More than you realise." Regina eased herself onto the sofa and lifted the corners of her mouth ever so slightly. For the first time, Emma noticed a book in Regina's clasped shut hand.

"What's that?"

"A scrapbook. It was in the dresser. I thought.. maybe we could look at it? You could shed some light for me."

"Sounds good, let me get you a drink and then we'll get started."

* * *

When Emma returned, she sat down on the sofa next to Regina, a few inches between them, and Regina opened the front cover of the album so it was resting on Emma's lap. The first page was, predictably, a Mirror newspaper clipping of Regina being elected mayor. Emma was a little surprised; she'd always assumed Regina was automatically Mayor given the curse, but began to read the article.

"A landslide." Regina noted to herself, taking the time to read the article word for word. As they continued to turn the pages, Emma noticed that pre-Henry, the album contained no personal photos, just professionally-taken ones accompanying articles. The first truly personal photo hit Emma like a knife in the gut.

"Henry." The boy was no more than a newborn baby, asleep in Regina's arms as she sat, asleep herself, at the desk in her study. Graham must have taken this, Emma thought to herself.

The photos of Henry continued rapidly, documenting every major event in his life; birthdays, school plays, on the beach in summer. There was a noticeable gap of Henry's early teen years, however, which didn't go un-noticed by Regina.

"You guys had a rough time for a while there. Around when I showed up." Emma was overcome with guilt, knowing that this would lead Regina to blame her.

"That can't have been easy for you."

"I think it was worse for you, Regina." Emma was struck again by the woman's humility, and how, with her guard down, she could be so caring towards others. "He had some problems accepting the two of us in his life together. But it got better, and I know that he loves you more than anything now." Emma thought this was as close to the truth as she could offer, and it seemed to satisfy Regina.

The photos picked up again after Henry was rescued from Neverland, and this time they included more than just Regina and Henry. Emma herself was in some, along with her parents, and the whole town in a few. Soon, they reached the final page, and Emma spluttered at the site.

"Yeah, that about sums us up." The photo, Emma remembered, had been taken by Ruby in Granny's around 2 months earlier, and Emma and Henry were pulling faces at the camera, while Regina could be seen sneering at the woman from over her shoulder.

"I see you've always challenged me."

"Challenged seems like the right word." Emma snorts, and Regina takes a chance, deciding to lie her head on the blonde's shoulder.

"Thank you. That was nice. I feel like I'm starting to… get to know myself a bit better, maybe."

"No thanks necessary, I enjoyed it too. It's nice to be able to see Henry growing up." Emma sighed, leaning her head down a little to rest it lightly on top of Regina's.

"Was it difficult for you? Giving him up?" Regina winced at her own question.

"More than I realised it would be." Emma muttered into Regina's hair, "I was given up too, and it wasn't until after Henry was born I considered that he might have ended up with the same childhood I had. I wanted to give him his best chance, but the second he was gone I felt like I'd made the biggest mistake I ever could have done. My childhood wasn't the best, well, that's an understatement, and to think that Henry might have the same… I couldn't bear it. I was a coward." This was the first time Emma had admitted her thoughts from the months after she gave away Henry, even to herself. "I would cry myself to sleep, every single night. Close my eyes tight and beg God, or anyone, to bring him back to me, or to make sure that he was safe and happy. But now… I wouldn't go back. I'm glad I gave him up; you were able to raise him ten times better than I ever could have done. I was a messed up teenager; I had no home, no money, I was in prison for crying out loud."

Regina stayed silent.

"I don't think I ever thanked you. I know you wouldn't have remembered, even if I had, but thank you. You gave him everything I could have ever wished on him. You gave him a home, and support, and you always had love for him, even when it was difficult for him to love you back. And now… he's the luckiest boy in the world, having two parents that love him so much. Some people are lucky to even have one."

"I'm sure he is." Regina sighed weakly, "I'm going to go to bed, if that's ok with you. I don't need any help, before you get up."

"Sure. I'll be up in a little bit."

"Thank you, again."

"Stop thanking me, I said I wanted that too."

"You know what I'm thanking you for." Regina looked at the woman sincerely.

"You're welcome for that too." Emma didn't admit that she, at this point, probably needed these talks with Regina almost as much as Regina needed them. To an extent, she felt like Regina could already tell.

"Goodnight, Emma."

"Night."

* * *

Emma stayed on the sofa for a while longer, poring again over the photos of Regina in the scrapbook. Every stern smile, every look of love, every exasperated stare. She wanted to stay up all night looking at these photos, trying to see the woman underneath. Was it the same woman upstairs? Or was it someone else entirely?

Too tired to see straight, Emma reluctantly gathered herself and headed heavily upstairs to Regina's bedroom, where the woman's face was tensed up, along with her fists. Knowing she was in the midst of yet another nightmare, she got into bed next to her, and began to stroke her hair, until Regina jolted awake.

"Leave me alone." Emma was stung by her words. "S.. Sorry. It was you again, in the dream. I feel like there's two of you, and I… don't like the other side of you that comes out when I'm asleep."

"It's not me, Regina."

"How am _I_ supposed to know that?! You're a complete stranger, infringing on my life, lying in my bed. I've got no idea who you are!" Regina raised her voice, and Emma couldn't believe the words coming out of them. After all she'd done for her, all she'd trusted her with, she couldn't trust Emma still. She knew it was the dreams, but it was the element of truth in them from when the curse broke that made Emma reluctant to defend herself.

"You know me, or at least everything that's worth knowing. My name's Emma Swan. I grew up in foster care, and I have a son called Henry. I live in Storybrooke, Maine, and I own a yellow bug, I love trashy tv, and… I sing in the shower"

"All of this is irrelevant. You could be any number of those things, and still be conspiring against me. Whether or not a person sings in the shower doesn't dictate how trustworthy they are!" Regina's eyes looked dead, but still simultaneously bore a hole in Emma's soul.

"Stay calm, Regina. Dr Whale didn't want you getting riled up."

"I'll do what I please!" Regina continued to shout, and a glass went flying across the room, shattering against the wall, and eliciting a gasp from her. "What did I do? How did that happen?"

"You didn't do anything. It fell." Emma reassured, knowing that Regina minus memories, but plus magic, was a very bad development.

"Glasses don't just _fall_ across the room."

"Well, that one did." Emma's argument was sounding more flimsy by the second.

"Just leave me alone, Emma. Please." Regina was defeated by her dreams once again, and once again Emma felt hopeless to stop it.

Emma coughed. "Yeah, sure. I'll sleep in the guest room." She got up with purpose, too scared to admit that she didn't think she'd be able to leave Regina alone. Changing her mind, she lay down on the bare floor, curling up in the foetal position just a few feet from her place on the bed. Regina was too weak to argue, and Emma too afraid to leave, and the two women fell asleep in angry silence.

* * *

**A/N: Please review if you have time!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hello! The song I've used at the beginning of this chapter goes really well with the fic as a whole, so if you want, give it a listen while you read :) Thanks for following/favouriting/reviewing, keep it coming!**

**Enjoy chapter 6 :)**

* * *

_I could call you my lover, call you a beast_

_Call you the island where faith doesn't reach_

_Call you a lion, call you a man_

_You're the line that ties me to things_

_I don't understand_

_- Julia Stone, The Line That Ties Me_

* * *

Emma woke early the next morning, and decided to go for a run before Regina woke up. She set off down Main Street, taking purposeful deep breaths of the cool morning air and attempted to clear her mind. Truthfully, she still wasn't sure why Regina had been so angry with her. She knew that she'd been involved in some of Regina's dreams, and god knows in what capacity, but the pure _anger_ she expressed wasn't something she had seen from the woman in a long time. She turned around and began to run back to Regina's, stopping at Granny's to get a bear claw to cheer herself up.

"Hey, Ruby."

"Em! How's life with the Mayor?" Ruby greeted Emma brightly, and began to get her order ready automatically.

"Not.. Great. Bad day to ask, to be honest."

"She seems to be dealing with this all pretty well, from what I've seen. If I didn't know who I was, I'd probably be freaked out and screaming the whole time. Good for her, though, taking it in her stride."

"Even when she bites my head off?"

"Cut her a bit of slack, Em. She doesn't know who she is, even less who you are."

"She can still use magic though, and dark magic by the looks of it. She went a little… you know the feeling that you get when someone looks right through you? That was my night."

"Well yeah, her magic must be freaking out right now. Head injuries can do real messed up things to people. Do you want me to talk to her?"

"No, don't worry about it. I guess you're right. Thanks, Rubes."

* * *

Regina woke to an empty floor, and the phone by the side of the bed ringing. Hoping it was Emma, she picked up, pressing the buttons until one of them stopped the ringing.

"Hello? Emma?"

"Uh… no." the voice on the other end was unmistakably a teenage boy's. Regina's heart leapt into her mouth.

"Are you Henry?"

"Yeah, it's me. Um, how are you?"

"Getting better by the day." Regina tried to sound hopeful. "I'm sorry that I don't… remember."

"It's not your fault." Both were silent for a moment or two. "Anyway, can you tell Emma that I called? I have to get to school."

"Of course I can."

"Ok then, bye."

"Goodbye, Henry." Regina hesitated before hanging up.

* * *

As Emma arrived home, which is what she'd started to consider the house, in her short time there, she saw Regina stood on the porch, waiting for her.

"You shouldn't be downstairs." Emma offered by way of greeting.

"Forgive me, but I woke up and there wasn't a trace of you. I was worried you'd…" Regina trailed off, and moved out of the doorway to allow Emma entrance.

"You thought I'd leave? In the middle of the night? Are you _shitting _me, Regina?" Emma took a deep intake of breath, "I know you feel you don't know me, I know. But you've seen me every day for nearly a month now. You know every single thing there is worth knowing about me on this planet. I bore my soul to you, Regina. And it was pretty sucky of you to still doubt me. But I get it. And I'm sorry. And I'll leave." Emma finished awkwardly, and shifted from foot to foot before eventually leaving.

"No, wait. I'm sorry." Emma paused in the hallway. "This whole situation is unfair on you, and I can only imagine the pressure I'm putting on you, even without me insulting you at every turn. It's just, the dream I had last night felt so real, and I'm having trouble processing. Of all the things it could have been in it, the fact that it was _you_, after how you've been with me, was too much. You're the only person that's tying me to my life, as it is, and I couldn't handle the thought of you not being. I don't expect you to forgive me, and please leave, if you can't."

The two women continued to stand hesitantly, with Emma still faced away from Regina.

Emma sighed. "I understand, Regina, I really do. I was going to leave because I thought that's what you wanted, but if you don't…" Regina shook her head, though Emma was unable to see. "Hug it out?" Emma turned and joked, as Regina rolled her eyes.

"Emma, seriously, I'm sorry. And I'm going to go and see Dr Hopper." Regina said with a tone of resilience and a nod of her head, as if reassuring both Emma and herself that it was the right decision.

"You are?"

"Maybe he can offer me some help."

"Worth a shot." Emma smiles, noticing for the first time the tears threatening to spill from Regina's eyes. "I'll give him a call, tell him to expect you."

"No, let me. You're doing too much for me, Emma, go and get some sleep."

"But.."

"For me?" Regina smiled loosely, and poked Emma on the arm childishly.

"Alright, alright. Some breakfast in bed would be appreciated later," Emma noted sarcastically as Regina batted her up the stairs.

"Yes, I'm sure it would. Henry called."

Emma turned on the stairs. "How did that go?"

"I'm not entirely sure. I suppose it's a start, though."

"Definitely." Emma gave Regina a reassuring smile.

* * *

As Regina was still essentially house-bound, Archie had agreed to stop over at the house after he finished work for an informal chat with the woman, and after Emma let him in and continued to fuss for a couple of minutes, she eventually left the two in Regina's office, an awkward silence holding over them.

"It's good to see you up and moving around, Regina. Feeling better?" Archie eventually spoke.

"Starting to, thank you. I can just about manage the stairs now, I'm practically unstoppable." Regina snorted, a little too fakely, "I understand from Emma that we were… friends?"

"Of sorts. Well yes, I'd say friends. You, Emma and Henry have come to mean a great deal to me over time, so when I say I'm glad you're feeling better I really mean it." Archie offered, knowing that Regina was suffering from a crisis of trust, of sorts. "So this dream.."

"Right, yes." Regina was flustered by the affection from the stranger, and took a second to re-gather her thoughts. "It was different from the others. They'd all seemed real, but this was… it was as if I was actually there; experiencing it. This is the first one I've had that hasn't been set in a castle of some sort, either. It was at the hospital."

"Oh?"

"I was at the hospital. Henry had… there was something wrong with him. It was just flashes, but I think… I'd done something to him." Regina's heart stammered as she avoided Archie's gaze, "Emma wouldn't let me see him, I just wanted to see him. But she took me into this closet of some kind, and started fighting with me. I hadn't realised she was one for violence, but she threw me into shelves, boxes started flying everywhere and then she pinned me up against the wall. 'It's true', she kept saying, 'It's true, isn't it?' and it was. I'd caused something terrible, and we were talking about magic and Henry and…" Regina's speech was getting faster and faster, her breathing more laboured until Archie put her to a stop.

"Regina, keep calm. Take some deep breaths for me."

"There's no such thing as magic, is there? It's preposterous. Especially that I'd use, to harm my own son? I mean, I love Henry. I must do."

"Regina, I know it may feel like everything is working against you. Your experiences are telling you one thing, your subconscious another. Emma is honest, and truthful, and genuinely wants to help you. You can trust her. That's what you really want to hear, isn't it?"

"How can I be sure?" Regina, inexplicably, began to cry, and at a loss for what to do, Archie handed her a tissue.

"I guess it's true that you can never really be sure. The thing that separates humans from other animals is ultimately our ability to feel such strong emotions. Feelings change, sometimes overnight, and people can surprise you like that. But with Emma, I don't think that's a worry. She cares about you, genuinely, and that's not going to change any time soon." Archie gets up, leaving Regina sat alone on the sofa, still clutching onto the tissue.

Emma had been pacing outside the door during the exchange, and jumped as Archie abruptly opened the door.

"What have you done to her?" She exclaims, seeing Regina sobbing over his shoulder.

"It's what she's done to herself. Or rather, what these memories have done to her. Go to her, and reassure her. She'll be okay." Archie pats Emma on the shoulder and leaves, as Emma rushes up to Regina.

"Hey, hey, stop crying." Emma sits down next to Regina, who has by now pulled her legs up as a shield in front of her, and pulls her down onto her lap. "You know I'm not going anywhere, right?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a mess." Regina laughs through her tears, which begin to make a wet patch on Emma's jeans.

"Yeah, you kind of are." Emma laughs, running a hand through the woman's hair. "It's okay though. You're allowed to cry, sometimes. You're so strong, Regina, and you don't need to be - not all the time. It's amazing how you're getting through this, honestly, I don't know how."

"I know how. You." Regina mumbled into Emma's leg.

"Me?"

"You can't fathom how much you've done for me, just by being with me these past few weeks. I don't think I would have made it this far without you."

Emma didn't say anything in return, instead relaxing back more into the sofa. She couldn't say she loved Regina, even if she did. The logic behind it was what she couldn't face. Regina was fire, and she was ice. Darkness and light. The saviour and the evil queen. Admitting is was more harm than it was worth; they were toxic. But this Regina… the Regina crying into her lap, this woman wasn't all that different from Emma. Regina was hurt, and confused, and she wanted comfort, and Emma wanted nothing more than to give it to her. But she knew that doing anything about it led the risk of bringing back Regina's memories, and as selfish as it was, she didn't want this Regina to leave.

She must be the same person. That's basic logic; losing your memories doesn't mean you become a completely different person. This Regina must have always been hiding somewhere, behind years of loathing and heartache and hatred. There's always a thousand reasons why something is a bad idea. That's why choices exist; if everything was always black and white, everything would be inevitable. Emma couldn't help but think, or just blindly hope, that maybe Regina could make her happy. Maybe. One day.

* * *

_And I know I am naïve_

_But if anything_

_That's what's going to save me_

_That's what's going to save me_

_- First Aid Kit, New Year's Eve_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello! This chapter is a little bit lighter than they have been, especially in the last half. I know this is supposed to be an angsty fic but I find it so incredibly draining to constantly be writing angst, so I try and throw in some lighter moments aswell. Please keep the reviews coming in, I really love reading them and finding out how you perceive the character's choices etc, it's really interesting to me to get the perspectives of other people!**

**Anyway, enjoy the next chapter! :)**

* * *

_It's like your head is stuck in a tightening vice_

_Your ears are deaf to your friends' advice_

_Because you know that your heart will never be full_

_It doesn't always have to be beautiful_

_-Slow Club, It Doesn't Have to Be Beautiful_

* * *

As the two lay together in bed, side by side, neither said a word, with Emma focusing all her attention on the rain.

The rain. Always, rain. Emma couldn't remember the last day it hadn't rained, and truthfully she couldn't help but think it had something to do with Regina. She'd created this town; there was an irrefutable link between it and her, and maybe the reason for the freak weather was the storm inside of her.

"Do you think maybe you should go back to work?" Regina blurted suddenly, interrupting Emma's trail of thought.

"What?" Emma was taken aback by Regina's abruptness, her frown visible in the dim light.

"You haven't been there for more than a few hours since I got out of hospital, I thought maybe you'd be itching to get back there." Regina reasoned, staring at a spot on the ceiling. "Plus I'd hate to think the town was over-flowing with criminals in your absence."

"Believe me, it's not that kind of town. I doubt a single arrest has been made since the last time I was there."

"Should you really be saying that to the person who pays your wages, Sheriff?"

"You always knew that. I think you just liked having me around." Emma considered, turning her face to look at Regina, whose eyes were still fixed on an indeterminate point on the ceiling.

"Perhaps." Regina finally turned to face Emma, as the woman's gaze burnt into her, smiling fleetingly before composing an earnest expression. "I don't like you making sacrifices for me. It's not fair on your parents either, especially with a baby to take care of." Emma had to admit the thought of her parents running the town, as well as caring for her brother and son made her feel overwhelmingly guilty.

"I'll try it." Emma sighed noticeably, and smoothed the covers down over on top of her. "I think I'll miss you. God knows I see enough of you every day, it'll be strange."

"It might be good for us. We both know this isn't going to continue forever."

"Yeah. Right." Emma settled down into the pillow, and pretended as if she'd always realised this new arrangement wasn't going to be permanent. "I best get some sleep if I'm back tomorrow, then. Night, Gina."

"Goodnight, Emma." Regina spent a few seconds staring at the woman's face, crinkled as she relaxed into sleep, before she herself closed her eyes.

* * *

Emma woke with reluctance. She'd always enjoyed her job, truthfully she had, but this few weeks had been the first time in her life where she hadn't been rotating every day around work, and she'd got used to the calm of having no concrete plans. But as always, real life comes back with a bang, and she was left shivering and alone in Regina's cold and uninviting shower at dawn.

She dressed slowly, killing time, she realised, and took a second to look at herself in the mirror. The sleepless nights had clearly taken their toll. She looked weak and haggard, her skin pale, her eyes sunken into their sockets, and a crease was developing between her eyebrows. Obviously anticipating some kind of miracle, Emma lightly pressed her cheeks to give them some more colour, and pulled her unkempt and still-wet hair into a ponytail. With one last look of derision at her reflection, or what she saw beneath, she exited the bathroom and returned to Regina's bedroom.

"Hey.. Regina." She whispered, leaning over the frail form of the still sleeping woman. "I'm going to work now, remember? Everything you need is on the table here, and the station phone number if you want me. I'm going to pick Henry up from school too, so I'll be back around 5."

Regina mumbled into the pillow. "You told me all this half an hour ago. Wrong kind of amnesia. Goodbye, Emma." Regina sighed, as the woman continued to fuss with the objects on the bedside table before finally leaving.

The pile of paperwork sat on Emma's desk when she arrived at the Sheriff's Station was enough to harbour an audible groan from the woman. Settling down to it, as relentless as she was exhausted, the next time she looked up it was lunchtime, and she was only just over halfway through. She decided that she was long overdue a break, however, and practically jumped up from her desk at the thought of a burger.

"Mary Margaret!" Emma's mother was the first person she saw as she entered Granny's, and she approached the woman warmly, giving her a hug before stopping at her brother's carrier to look over him. "Hey, little man! I hope you've been looking after mom and dad and your… nephew for me!" she whispered to him animatedly, as their mother watched her admiringly.

"You seem brighter, today, Emma. I've missed you being like this." Mary Margaret noted, a concerned look spreading over her face. "You look so tired, though. This can't be good for you."

"I've started back at work today, so that's one less thing for you and dad to be worrying about. And as for me.. I'm fine."

"You aren't, Emma."

"I _am._" Emma responded, a little too insistently, just as she had been too bright in her greeting. "If you're going to try and persuade me to go back home, you might as well save your breath. Regina needs me. And I know it's shitty, but that's just the way it's got to be right now. How's Henry been?" Emma quickly changed topic.

"He's been fine, as he always is. He misses you, though. Both of you."

"I'm picking him up tonight, I'll bring him out for food. This whole thing isn't fair on him, he deserves some quality time with at least one of us."

"It's not fair on you either."

"I told you, Mary Margaret. Don't worry about me. Regina's getting better, soon she'll be out and about more on her own, and I can get as much rest as you want me to." Emma smiled, her mother's hand covering her own slightly shaking one.

"If you're sure. I just want you to be happy, Emma. Me and your father love you more than anything."

"I… I know, mom." Emma still tripped over the word sometimes. Maybe it was because her and curse-Mary Margaret had been so close as friends, but she'd always had much more of a hard time thinking of Mary Margaret as her mother than David as her father.

"Right, I should be getting this one home." Right on cue, Emma's brother began screaming at full volume, his face turning red and wrinkled just as Emma imagined Henry's must have done. "Bye, sweetheart." Mary Margaret bent over to kiss her daughter on the cheek, before exiting the diner in a flurry of "shh"-ing and cooing.

* * *

Emma's afternoon was a lot more relaxed than her morning had been, and on more than one occasion she felt her mind, inevitably, turn to Regina. As alone as Emma had felt in her life, as scared and vulnerable, she'd always had herself. She was her own hero. Regina didn't even have that. Feeling guilty once again for leaving the woman, she picked up her phone and began to dial Regina's home phone on automatic pilot.

"Oh.. Hello?" Regina answered the phone with a confused tone, as if she wasn't expecting it.

"It's me. Is everything ok?"

"I… was just dialling your number."

"Why? Is something wrong?" Emma panicked, her breath increasing.

"Relax, dear, everything's fine." Regina let a silence hang. "I just wondered how your day was going."

"You mean you missed me." Emma smiled into the receiver.

"Don't be ridiculous, it's only been a few hours." Regina feigned disagreement. "I'm not completely reliant on you, you know. I can last a day without you."

"Alright, alright. So what have you been up to today?"

"Well I just got back from a marathon, and next I'm going to steal a boat from the port." Regina said sardonically.

"Well, pardon me, your majesty."

"I haven't actually got outside. I tried, but I was too… weak."

"Like I told you you were, you mean? Remember how I've told you constantly not to push yourself?"

"I know, I know, you're always right. Gosh, you're unbearable. So, you're seeing Henry this afternoon?"

"Yep, I'm actually about to leave to pick him up from school."

"Right, well I shan't keep you. Tell him hello from me." Regina sighed anxiously into the phone.

"I will do. He misses you."

"I think I miss him too." Regina hesitated. "I can't help but feel there's something… missing. Something that isn't there."

"I get it."

"Oh?"

"That's how I felt." The two women were once again silent for a moment.

"Goodbye, then."

"I'll bring you back some food. Bye." Neither of the two hung up immediately.

"Goodbye." Regina said once again, before eventually cutting the call short.

* * *

Emma arrived at Henry's school a few seconds before he exited, and, though he was growing up fast, he still ran to meet her as he used to when they first met.

"Ma!" He grabbed her into a hug, ignoring the few amused looks he was getting from other students.

"Hey, kid! God, I've missed you so much." Emma pulled him in tighter.

"How's my mom? Is she ok? She said she was getting better, but is she?" Emma was bombarded with questions the whole ride to the diner.

"She's getting better. I think maybe she'd like to see you. Soon. But I'll need to talk about it with her, we don't want to overwhelm her."

"Ok." Henry looked down dejectedly.

"I know you miss her, kid. She's just having a tough time lately, you get that, right?"

"Yeah I do." Henry shifted awkwardly, and looked out of the window. "How has it been, living with her? You haven't tried to kill each other yet?"

"No, we haven't." Emma responded amusedly, "We've actually been getting along. I had a second chance at a good impression, and she seems to like me this time around."

"She always liked you."

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"It was the saviour she didn't like." Henry said matter-of-factly, "she was the Evil Queen. She's not supposed to like you, she's supposed to stop you. But now she's just Regina, and you're just Emma."

Emma didn't say anything until they pulled up across from Granny's. "You're a smart kid, aren't you?"

"I get it from my other mom." Henry joked.

Henry continued to pander Emma for information about her time with Regina throughout their meal.

"You like her." He eventually surmised, smiling in spite of himself.

"Get out of here." Emma waved him off, wishing for once that her son wasn't as astute as he was.

"You do."

"Henry, I don't. And even if I did… it's complicated."

"Are you worried it won't be True Love's Kiss?"

"It won't be." Emma insisted, "My true love is you, and you're Regina's as well."

"There's more than one type of true love. And you're the _product _of true love, the rules are different for you."

"Oh yeah? Well, that's convenient." Henry nodded assuredly in return, and after a momentary blip, Emma flicked back into denial mode. "It doesn't matter anyway, because it's not going to happen. I'm not interested in your mom, Henry."

The boy simply smiled in return.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hello again! Thanks to all of you for following/favouriting/reviewing, we're reaching the halfway point now!**

**Don't forget to keep reviewing!**

**Enjoy :)**

* * *

_You should never fight _

_With a lover for your life_

_You deserve the sun _

_Just as much as anyone_

_And someday you'll make up _

_For all the time you've lost_

_- Hurray For the Riff Raff, I Know You_

* * *

Emma lost track of the time, caught up in the regularity of spending time with her son. Though she was truthfully still getting used to being a mother, she'd soon realised how normal, how _natural _it felt being with him. Children, especially Henry, could love unconditionally, and Emma felt a sense of relief in participating in a relationship which she knew would be almost impossible to fracture.

As a result, it was dark by the time she pulled up outside the house, a paper bag with Regina's food in one hand and a card from Henry in the other. She turned the key in the lock with trepidation, cautious of waking Regina if she'd been able to sleep nightmare-free while Emma had been away.

Turning on the hall light, Emma heard Regina call to her from the front room.

"Emma? Is that you?"

"Nope, just a burglar. With a key." Emma kicked off her shoes, and bustled in to the room, where she saw Regina, tucked into the sofa with a blanket pulled around her and a tired complexion. "You got any sleep today?"

"Some. Thankfully, peaceful. It took me a while to drop off though, so it was most of the day lost." Regina smiled wanly as Emma passed her her food, and the woman took the seat next to her.

"Henry got you a card."

"He's very sweet. Does he want to see me?"

"He's been begging me for weeks. He really misses you."

"I think… maybe I could try it. You don't think I'd disappoint him, do you? I'm not his mother, not now."

"Honestly, this wouldn't faze him. He loves you, memories or no memories. You're the same person, you're still his mom."

"I'm not. I can't be. I'm not anyone like this, I can't be what he's expecting of me."

"I just told you, Regina, he's not expecting anything! He just wants to see you!"

"No, I can't. I'll destroy it, like I am this." she signalled between herself and Emma. "I can't control how I am, and I don't want to fracture our relationship if it's in a good place for if I get my memories back."

"You're doing it again. You're sabotaging yourself! Not two seconds ago, you wanted to see him, and nothing has happened to change your mind! If you keep on like this, not wanting to take any risks, pushing people away, you aren't going to get better."

"I can't push people away if they weren't in front of me to begin with." Regina responded coolly, a glaze forming over her eyes. Emma went to grab the woman's hand, but pulled away quickly when she felt the heat emanating from it, and the sparks forming at the woman's fingertips. "I'm scared, Emma." The woman crumpled once again, and Emma wasn't sure what she wanted her to say.

"I know. Me too." she offered eventually, raising a hesitant hand to stroke Regina's hair that was resting in front of her ear. "Come on, go and get some sleep."

Regina stood up shakily, steadying herself on the arm of the chair. "Are you coming?"

"No, I'm going to stay down here for a while. Unless you need some help getting upstairs?"

"I'm fine." This seemed to be both women's go-to statement recently. Emma turned to Regina's liquor cabinet, seeking out a bottle of whiskey, and found it as she heard Regina's soft padding get more and more further away.

Emma didn't want to get drunk. She wasn't trying to drown her sorrows, or block out her thoughts. She just wanted to sleep. She was more tired than she had ever been; tired of everything. Her mind had gotten foggy, and drink had always brought sleep fairly easily for her. She poured herself a tumbler, before settling to drinking the liquid straight from the bottle. Pulling the blanket that Regina had been using on the sofa, Emma lay down on the cold, uninviting floor. As idiotic as it was, with empty bedrooms lying over her head, this was the furthest that Emma could get from Regina in the house.

Being far away from Regina meant that Regina would be able to sleep too, free from the nightmares that accompanied Emma. Realistically, she knew this wasn't a viable solution. She couldn't simply sneak away from Regina each night and sleep on the floor, but Emma's mind wasn't in a viable solution type of place right now, and the floor would have to do.

* * *

"Emma…. Emma, get up."

Emma was awoken the next morning by the agitated whisperings of Regina in her ear. Opening her eyes slowly and adjusting to the broad daylight, she saw Regina leaning over her. She felt a trail of wet on her cheek, and wiped it quickly off with the back of her hand as she sat up, still disorientated.

"What time is it?"

"Just after 11. I have a check-up at the hospital at midday, and I thought you would want to be up for work." Regina swayed on her knees, and stood to steady herself.

"I can't go in, I need to take you."

"No, you don't. I've called the hospital, and one of the nurses is going to come and pick me up. You can either stay here, or you can go to work." Regina said, somehow walking the line between firm and affectionate. "I slept through last night. Did you?"

"Yeah, I did. Floor was a little cold, but it's probably good for me. Somehow."

"Why didn't you come up to bed?"

"I was just tired. Figured you could use a bit of space." Emma checked her appearance in the mirror on the wall to the side of her and groaned. "I need a shower."

"Yes, you do." Regina took a shallow breath. "It was strange, you not being there. I think I got used to your incessant bed-hogging. Really, did no-one ever teach you how to share?"

"Wasn't really a priority in the homes. As long as the money was coming in, I could have been learning how to saw off shotguns for all they'd care." Emma cleared her throat. "Sorry, a little deep for this time."

"No, don't apologise." Regina stared at Emma for a long moment, frowning a little as she tried to judge whether admissions such as that were normally offered so casually by the woman. "Now please shower, before I have to spray you endlessly with one of my many bottles of perfume."

"That's the best insult you've got? That I smell? Wow. I'll be expecting a better one by the time I get home later." Emma smiled the briefest, brightest smile, filled with innocence and truth, if that was possible, and it sent a rave of déjà vu through Regina. Brief, but there all the same.

"Goodbye, dear."

"Hey, good luck." Emma paused to speak as she left the room, once again leaving Regina smiling.

* * *

The nun who came to pick up Regina, inexplicably named Patience, delivered her to the hospital with a stern attitude to match her stern expression.

"Do you think you could perhaps speed it up a little? We're already running late, and we wouldn't want the Doctor to cancel your appointment."

"Need I remind you that it was _you _who showed up late, Sister, and as the mayor of this town, I'd advise you to treat me with a little respect." Regina responded fiercely, attempting to stare the woman down and eventually succeeding. "I can't go any faster; hence why I'm on my way to the hospital."

"Of course, Miss Mills." Patience remembered Dr Whale's instructions to be cautious of aggravating Regina into performing any magic, and so reluctantly decided to hold her tongue.

* * *

Without much further incident, the two women arrived at the hospital, with Regina flat-out refusing a wheelchair on their arrival. She walked with trepidation down the bleach-smelling hallway, until a woman with a furrowed look of concern and carrying a small baby approached her.

"Regina! Are you here by yourself?"

"Yes, I am." Regina didn't say any more, feeling a little overwhelmed by the woman's tone.

"Gods, sorry. I'm S… Mary Margaret. I'm Emma's mother."

"Were you still an embryo when you had her?" Regina couldn't hide her surprise, and Mary Margaret wished that she'd lead with anything other than family history.

"You're flattering me." she said brightly, covering her tracks. "I just bought the little one for an appointment."

"I see. I'm sorry, I was expecting somebody a little more… grandmotherly." Regina excused her reaction.

"I suppose not everything is how you expect it to be. It's so strange seeing you here, I guess I never really appreciated that you wouldn't remember until I saw you myself." Mary Margaret saw a flash across Regina's face. "Sorry, that's self-centred, isn't it. You and I have known each other a long time, Regina. It doesn't make me happy to see you like this."

"How long?"

Mary Margaret chuckled. "A very long time. We've had our differences, Regina, I can't lie to you about that."

"That seems to be the over-riding sentiment."

"But I care about you. You've always meant a lot to me, even when I didn't want you to. Please, take care of yourself. I told the same to Emma, but call me if you need absolutely anything." Mary Margaret touched Regina's arm, and smiled at her sympathetically, before exiting the building.

* * *

Regina continued to stand in the hallway for a few moments, disorientated from being out by herself. After a while, a nurse took pity on her, and she was led into a side room, sitting herself down on the cheap plastic chair which was presented to her.

She had to admit to herself that without Emma by herself she was feeling a little lost. She knew nothing of where she was, and without this childish reliance on everyone around her, she would be stranded in this room for the foreseeable future.

"Regina, good to see you again." Dr Whale sauntered into the room with his ever-present air of arrogance, debating holding his hand out for Regina to shake before changing his mind. "Now, before we do some tests, I just wanted to get a general feel from you of how you are. Any memories came back to you?"

"Nothing concrete, but I've had flashes, especially in the last few days. A sense of déjà vu, but never actually remembering."

Dr Whale begins to make notes as he continued to bombard Regina with questions. "Any headaches?"

"Sometimes."

"Nausea? Dizziness?"

"Sometimes."

"Depression?"

"Sometimes."

"Has Miss Swan taken you to see Dr Hopper at any time? I noticed that she was staying with you.."

"Yes, she is. I've spoken to him once, but in more of a friendship capacity from what I could understand."

"Right. I'd recommend that you begin seeing him for sessions perhaps every week, or every couple of days if there's the potential of you starting to get memories."

Regina looked taken aback. "You.. You think I could be starting to remember?"

"The longer this continues, the less likely it is that you'll regain full access to your long term memory store, but this is a good sign."

Regina's face lit up, partially in hope, and partially in disbelief, just as she had when Whale had made a promise to her all those years ago. "Ok." was all she responded, the gravity of the news laying on her shoulders.

* * *

When Emma arrived home from work, she heard clattering around in the kitchen, and entered to the foreign sight of Regina bent over the stove.

"Hey. What are you doing?"

"I wanted to make us dinner. I walked up here, and tried to make without thinking about it. So we're having lasagne, apparently."

"You're remembering?!"

"Dr Whale seems to think I am, very gradually. I'm trying to speed it along a little."

"That's… that's great." Emma hesitated, and pulled the still-frail woman in for a hug before she could see the disappointment on her face.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hello! Thanks again for following this, it means a lot. Don't forget to keep the reviews coming in, even if it's only a couple of words! This chapter earns a little more of it's rating, and the section in bold is a dream sequence.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Hush, baby don't cry_

_Just get through this night_

_Overcome_

_Cause all that you are_

_Is broken inside_

_But they'll never know_

_They'll never know_

_-Ross Copperman, They'll Never Know_

* * *

"So work was good?"

The two women were sat opposite each other at Regina's dining table, Emma feeling uncomfortable at the formal nature of their meal compared to their usual affairs.

"Same old, same old." Emma responded between mouthfuls of lasagne. "You know, this is awesome."

"I'm glad, dear. I had no idea what I was doing, I seemed to be doing everything automatically. But as long as you like it.." Regina smiled reluctantly, obviously as tense as Emma was.

"I do." Emma grinned back, until yet another uncomfortable silence overtook the table. "Regina… what's wrong?"

"Nothing, dear. Other than the usual." Regina attempted another smile that didn't reach her eyes, poking food around her plate.

"I'm worried about you. You're so… down."

"This is the best I can manage at the moment." Regina got up and removed their plates, before Emma could tell her she wasn't finished.

"Regina, put those down…"

"No, I'm _fine._" Regina raised her voice, and Emma saw a spark fly through her hands, sending the plates flying to the floor, crashing around her. The brunette gasped in pain at what felt like burning on her fingertips, and fell to her knees, defeated. She slowly began to collect the larger bits of debris until a wave of nausea hit her and she was incapable of doing anything other than sink further into the ground.

"I told you…"

"Yes, I know you TOLD me. Can I not even do one thing for myself anymore? Can I not even make it through an evening without completely falling apart?" Regina bowed her head as sobs once again wracked her body.

Emma knelt beside her, amongst the broken plates, and rested an awkward hand on a bony, pale shoulder. Regina was always so pale now.

"Do you want me to give you some space? I could go out, or I could have a nap.."

"Thank you." Regina accepted Emma's invitation, and Emma walked away limping, slivers of ceramic slicing into her legs.

Another day, another battle. This is the mantra that was running round and round Emma's head as she peeled herself out of her jeans in the bathroom. Her legs, especially the left, were covered in blood. She began to pick the larger pieces of plate from the cuts, and couldn't help but think about the conflicting feelings she had about Regina's state of mind.

As twisted as it was, she liked the feeling of being needed. For the first time in a very long time, she felt useful. Somebody relied on her. Henry was doing perfectly fine without her, and so were her parents and brother, and the sheriff's station. But here, with Regina, she had a purpose. She knew that if she left, she'd be missed, and that made her want to stick around even more.

On the other hand, Regina was ill. She had serious issues, and Emma felt physically sick at the idea that she might be appreciating it for her own selfish reasons. Regina needed help, there was no doubt about that. She had to accept that, and, if it meant giving Regina space, or eventually leaving her, then so be it.

Unable to face Regina, Emma spent the rest of the evening in the bathroom, cleaning up her legs and having a long bath, only getting out when the water pooled cold around her.

After a few minutes of deliberation, she entered the bedroom with trepidation, and tip-toed up to the bed, thankfully finding Regina to still be awake.

"Regina… do you want me to sleep in the guest room?" Emma whispered to her, trying to gauge the woman's expression in the darkness.

"No, get into bed. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise." Emma settled down under the covers, and prayed that the nightmares tonight would be few and far between.

* * *

_This had happened before, she was sure. Regina opened the door, and was greeted by Emma Swan, burning with rage and with hatred in her eyes._

_"Sheriff Swan. What are you doing here?" Regina looked at the woman, confused, but Emma seemed to almost look straight through her to the darkness beneath._

_"Henry invited me."_

_This hit Regina like a sucker punch to the gut. "Do you honestly believe I'd allow you into my house, for dinner, after all the threats you made to my family?"_

_"I didn't come for dinner."_

_Regina's breath caught in her throat. "Then what did you come for?"_

_"You."_

_Regina remembered how this nightmare happened last time, with what she assumed to be the whole town tying her up, but this time was different._

_After Regina checked behind her and found Henry to be nowhere to be seen, Emma barged past her into the house, shutting the door firmly behind her and pressing Regina up against it. Emma took a moment to shift her gaze from Regina's eyes to her slightly open mouth, and without pausing, the woman pressed her lips firmly onto Regina's, sucking the air from Regina's lungs. Taking a second to consider what was happening, Regina was soon returning the kiss, pulling Emma's face violently so it was as close to hers as possible, as Emma grabbed at Regina's arms and kept her pressed against the door._

_Emma pressed a leg inbetween Regina's, lifting her thigh up forcefully to press on Regina's center. Regina gasped at the action, and began to pull off Emma's leather jacket. As they continued to kiss, however, and Emma took a hand from Regina's neck and pressed it to the base of her spine, she noticed she wasn't able to catch her breath. It was as if her chest was bearing a heavy weight, and the more Emma kissed her the more it pressed down on her._

_She pulled away from Emma's lips, and it subsided a little as Emma began to unbutton Regina's shirt. Testing what she was now thinking, Regina lifted Emma's face to once again meet hers, and kissed her passionately, feeling yet more of her breath leaving her body. Emma was literally taking her breath away. As Emma once again pulled their faces apart, this time to plant desperate kisses onto Regina's neck, Regina continued to lose her breath._

_She began to panic, and choke, and Emma opened her mouth wide and laughed heartily as Regina fell to the floor, convulsing under the invisible weight._

* * *

Emma woke as Regina suddenly sat bolt upright in bed, panting for air.

"Hey, its okay." Emma went to touch Regina's hair, but the woman shrunk away from her touch. "Another dream about me, huh?"

"Yes. In a way." Regina spent a few seconds getting her breathing back to normal before lying carefully back down. It was worrying to Emma how much of a routine they'd got into with Regina waking up sweating in the middle of the night, and how accustomed they had become to settling back down after.

Emma checked the clock; 3:18am. "Are you gonna get back to sleep? I might go for a run or something, I wont be able to get back down now."

"Could you… stay?"

Emma hadn't been expecting this. Normally, if Regina had a nightmare, especially involving her, she would be the first to suggest that Emma leave.

"Of course I could, if you want me to."

"That thing you do. When you reassure me. Could you… do that?" the sleep deprivation was clearly getting to Regina, and her words sounded as jumbled and confused as were her thoughts.

"Where I tell you all ridiculous things about myself? I'm sure I could do that."

The two women settled back down, and Emma began to tell Regina stories about both herself and her family. The hilarious, the unbelievable, the mundane. As she told Regina stories from their own old relationship together (Emma considered their relationship to have started afresh), her friend's face became more and more engaged. She would smile along to the stories, laughing a few times, and even, on one occasion, let out a snort and a "That sounds like me." The old Regina had almost become another figure in their relationship, just as dream-Emma was.

At one point, the leg of Emma's pyjamas rolled up, and Regina became aware of the cuts covering her.

"Because of me." she whispers simply, as if she had come to terms with the destruction she thought she was causing, and began running a hand over the bandages Emma had haphazardly placed on herself.

"Don't." is all Emma has to respond, because she knows that Regina is right, but has no way to comfort her in that.

"Let me do this again for you, properly." Regina sniffs and gets out of bed purposefully, and after Emma directs her to her first aid kit, Regina returns with the box and begins to unwrap Emma's legs.

"You don't deserve this." Regina sighs, avoiding Emma's eyes in a way she has became so adept at, despite being only inches from her face.

"You've said that before." Emma winces as Regina rubs her wounds clean.

"I mean it."

"What, and you _do _deserve it?" Emma questioned.

"Perhaps." Regina shrugged too easily for the words that were coming out of her mouth. "Perhaps I do. Maybe I committed… unspeakable things, and this is some form of karmic punishment. Only what I deserve."

Emma implored herself to tread carefully. "I know these dreams, this… whole situation, has seriously done a number on you. But do you really think that about yourself?"

"I don't know what to think. That's the problem." Regina admitted, as she began to wrap a bandage tightly around the worst affected area of Emma's leg. "It seems I have a problem with catastrophising when there isn't an alternative."

"You know, it doesn't mean feelings are unjustified, just because there's nothing to back them up. Even the happiest-seeming people can be suffering inside. It doesn't make their pain any less worthy than anyone else's."

"Dr Hopper should take you on as a therapist." Regina smiled loosely at Emma, and patted Emma's leg as she finished.

"Growing up in group homes, you see a lot of lost, upset people. Hell, I was one of them." Emma got back under the covers and turned to lie on her side facing Regina. "But I tend to leave the important stuff to the professionals. Which is why, first thing tomorrow, or in a few hours at least, I'm taking you down to see Archie. No arguments."

"Okay." Regina conceded, attempting once more to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: We've reached the halfway mark! *rings celebratory bell* Is there a bell or something when things reach the halfway mark? Not like halftime, because I have no intention of giving you guys a break, but just a little bell? Idk, sports.**

**I also noticed that after the most recent chapter was uploaded this story got to 10,000 views! That probably seems like nothing to a lot of fic writers, but it's honestly made me _so _happy and I love love LOVE every single one of you. **

**The song in this chapter is from Mr Feels himself, Andrew Belle. Enjoy!**

* * *

_Tell me all about your foreign wars_

_And all about the photographs that line your drawers_

_Cause I know a lot about closing doors_

_But not enough about what opens yours_

_- Andrew Belle, Oh My Stars_

* * *

Only a few short hours later, the two women were bustling around Regina's bedroom, gearing up for the morning ahead.

"So you're sure you'll be ok with this?" Emma questioned Regina, her protective streak once again rearing its head.

"Emma, stop being so… you. I'm fine with it, we're going." Regina couldn't help but smile at the woman's concern as she brushed her unkempt hair behind her ears.

"Just checking. It's important you're comfortable, that's all." Emma pulls a turtleneck on over her head and makes an arm signal to encourage Regina to speed up.

"I know. And you're sweet. Speaking of comfortable.."

"You don't have to go in the wheelchair if it means that much to you, but you have to at least hold on to my arm."

"Are you sure you don't want to buy me some toddler reins, too?"

"You're being a big girl today, I trust you." Emma joked as she led them both down the stairs.

* * *

By the time the two of them got to the first shops on Main Street, they were holding hands. They would have been the picture of domesticity, if not for Emma's scowl and limp, and Regina's glacial pace and the bags under her eyes.

"I _knew_ we should have bought the wheelchair. I don't think I've ever moved this slowly. Henry will be a grandfather by the time we get to Archie."

"I'm trying my best, Emma. Believe me, I'd rather not be lapped by old women, but there's not much I can do to rectify this."

After a few more minutes bickering, the women eventually were in sight of Archie's office. Regina didn't say anything for a long moment, and Emma considered if maybe she was getting cold feet.

"Would you consider… coming in with me?" Regina eventually asked with trepidation.

"What; to your appointment?"

"Yes. You've become special to me, Emma, and perhaps it would be a good thing for you to see what's been happening with me. If Dr Hopper allows, of course."

"Sure I'll come with you. Sounds good. Well, not good, but.."

"Don't worry, I understood."

* * *

Finally, Emma and Regina arrived at the door to Archie's office. Regina took a deep breath in as she prepared to knock, as if expecting a monster awaiting, but before she got the chance Archie opened the door, making the women jump.

"Regina, so good to see you." Archie greeted her warmly, and beckoned her in. "Would you like Miss Swan to stay with you?"

Archie always had been a mind-reader. "If that's alright with you, Doctor." Regina had become uncharacteristically shy, possibly at the realisation of the serious nature of the situation.

"Of course it is. The most important thing is making sure you are comfortable." Archie signalled seats for the two, and they sat side by side. "I'm just going to reassure you, Regina, that this isn't as formal a session as you may think. You are my friend, and I will offer you whatever you need going forward in the future, perhaps without the stigma or pressure you're expecting."

Regina let out a relaxed, yet controlled breath. "Thank you Dr Hopper."

"I suggest that we first begin with a general chat about how you're feeling. Why don't you explain to me your thoughts towards this situation, perhaps in a typical day."

"Well, I wake up about 3 or 4 times each night, so by the time it's morning I'm generally feeling a little tired and… defensive. Emma goes to work, and I tend to stay in bed for a few hours longer, getting some rest. I think about how tired I am, and my dreams, and I try to remember."

"And does it work?"

Regina smiles sadly. "No, it doesn't. The only time it's ever worked is when I've been _not _thinking about it, but when you have no memories and can't move around by yourself there's not much else to do."

"When you think about your dreams, what is it in particular you focus on?"

"I focus on me. Who I am in them. I get the impression I'm cold, and unforgiving. Not a good person, for all intents and purposes."

"And this bothers you?"

"Of course it bothers me. Nobody wants to believe they're a bad person. But it's becoming more and more apparent to me that these dreams mean something."

"Why do you feel the need to place a link between the person you are in your dreams and the person you believe you are?"

"Because I don't -know- the person I am. These dreams are all I have to go on, even if it's not what I want to hear."

"And this affects how you act?"

"I'd say so. Especially to Emma." the woman looked up at the mention of her name. "It's entirely possible that… I don't want Emma to see that person. When she's in these dreams, it upsets me. I don't want her to think I'm a bad person."

"Even if you are a bad person?"

"I don't know who I was before. Nor do I know the parameters of our relationship." Regina takes a deep breath. "I've been placing a lot of weight on these dreams, and it seems like I'm right to, but I don't want that to be the case. I want Emma to think I'm a good person now, because I _want _to be a good person know. I don't know anything about my life, but I _do _know that the past is the past, and foreign to me. It's there, but it's… shrouded. And if I'm going to live like this, I need to try and make my peace with that, instead of flying off the handle or questioning loyalty. And that's why I'm here."

"It's great that you're being so candid, and recognising that perhaps your though process is faulty is the first step to correcting it." Archie looked across to Emma after saying this, and saw the look of admiration for Regina in her eyes.

Emma had always flip-flopped on humans and their capacity for change, but this all but confirmed it was possible; that _anything _was possible if you had the will power. And if there's one thing Regina has, it's will power.

* * *

Emma, still feeling overcome after the thoughts Regina had revealed while they were with Archie, decided the two women should stop at Granny's on the way back, even if just for the chance for her to collect her thoughts.

As Emma opened the door and stepped back to allow Regina entrance, she heard what was undoubtedly a squeal from Ruby.

"Regina! You're out, and you look great!" Ruby had always been cheery, but this seemed almost over the top as she ran over to take Regina's coat from her.

"Hey, Ruby." Emma said pointedly, as if to provide evidence of her presence.

"Hey Em! Sit down you two, I'll bring you whatever you want. On the house. It's just so great to see you getting better!" Ruby ran back behind the counter.

"I uh.. Wasn't aware you and Ruby were such good friends?" Emma questioned carefully as they sat down."

"She called me about a week ago to check on me, and a couple of times since. I enjoy talking to her." Regina answered simply.

"Well, you seem to have made quite an impression on her."

"We're friends. And luckily she has enough energy for the two of us."

"Sure, sure. I just didn't know, that's all." Emma tried not to sound bitter, even though it's all she could taste in her mouth.

"Don't be jealous dear, you know she could never take over from you." Regina had meant it as a joke, but there was an unspoken weight in the words.

"Good." Emma smiled with a hint of earnest meaning still present in her expression. "Anyway, about Henry.."

"Yes, Henry. Let's have dinner with him."

Emma was a little shocked, but Regina's tone suggested insistence. "You're sure?"

"Yes. I've been avoiding him for too long. He's my son, and this isn't fair on him. Besides, I think I should like to get to know him."

"You will. He's a great kid."

"If he's yours, he will be." Regina smirked sarcastically.

"Alright, miss charming." Emma turned serious for a moment. "What you said, with Archie… people don't say things like that about me. Ever. And especially coming from you, I mean you should be thinking about yourself right now. Anyone would expect you to. But you're thinking about the effect your actions have on others, and trying to make other people happy."

Regina waited for Emma to continue. "Was there a point you were trying to get to?"

"Not really. I'm just… proud. Of you." Emma admitted, embarrassed, a flush of red colouring her cheeks.

"Well, I'm glad I've had such an effect on you. I'm proud of myself." Regina smiled a smile so true and sincere that Emma was sure she'd never seen anything quite like it before. Emma continued to look deep into Regina's eyes to prove her sincerity, until they were snapped out by Ruby delivering their drinks.

"Drinks, ladies." Ruby eyed the two of them suspiciously, sitting back in their chairs suddenly as if they'd been caught in a compromising position.

"Thanks, Ruby." Emma looked up at the woman briefly, before her gaze returned to Regina. "So Henry? Tonight?

"Tonight sounds good. I'll cook."

"If you're sure you can…"

"I can, Emma. Have a little faith."

"Alright, well I should get to work for a few hours. Do you want to stay here?" Emma rose to her feet, and Regina joined her a few seconds later.

"Yes, I'll spend a bit of time with my new friend I think." Regina's use of friend in reference to Ruby, and the hopeful note in her voice made Emma once again appreciate the innocence of Regina since the accident, and how, deep down, she had clearly always been longing for a family and friends of her own.

"Ok, I'll pick you up later." Without putting much thought into the action, Emma moved over to Regina and gave her a tight hug. Regina seemed a little shell-shocked at first, and tense to the touch, until after a brief moment she relaxed and wrapped her arms around Emma's back.

"Goodbye." The two women pulled apart after this interlude, and, however short it was, Emma was sure that this signified another new facet to their friendship.

* * *

**A/N: I know a few people wanted to see some more of Ruby and Ruby/Regina's friendship, and don't worry, there's more coming up!**

**Don't forget to review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hello again! I know I must sound like a broken record, but thanks AGAIN for following/favouriting/reviewing. Now that we're in the second half of the story, there's going to be a bit of a change in gear as we move towards the resolution, starting from Chapter 12. Thanks for sticking with it, and I always forget to remind you that there's a mix on 8tracks to go with this so be sure to check it out! ( /swarklesinstorybrooke/it-doesn-t-always-have-to-be-beautiful-swan-queen)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_All the cars running fast along the interstate_

_Can feel the love that radiates_

_Illuminating what I know is true_

_All will be well_

_Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself_

_All will be well_

_You can ask me how, but only time will tell_

_- The Gabe Dixon Band, All Will Be Well_

* * *

Regina had been busying herself around the kitchen for almost an hour as Emma watched nervously when the door knocked.

"That'll be Henry." Emma offered redundantly, and immediately sensed a change in Regina's energy as she appeared jumpy and anxious, her hand shaking slightly as she chopped vegetables. "Hey, relax. It'll be ok, remember, Henry loves you." Emma ran a hand down Regina's arm, and the woman offered her a tense smile as reassurance.

"Go let him in." Regina said shakily, and turned back to face the counter as Emma exited the room.

She bounded down the hallway, excited to spend time with her son, and upon opening the front door was greeted with a hug.

"Hey, Ma." Henry said into her shoulder, as Emma once again realised how much Henry had grown up since she first met him. She'd missed so much of him, that now all of his growing seemed to be happening at an ever increasing speed.

"Come through, we're in the kitchen." Emma guided him through, sensing his sudden reluctance, and as they entered the room Regina turned from the counter to face them, a trying smile plastered on her face.

"Hello Henry." she attempted to say in a strangled voice, her eyes a little wide and her face looking frankly terrified.

"Hey, M…" Henry stumbled over the word and then stopped himself completely.

"You can call me mom. Only if you want to." Regina reassured him, and Emma was reminded of the mother and son relationship that had been shared in the years before, with Regina trying desperately to please him, just as she was now.

"Ok then.. mom." Henry decided awkwardly, and sat down on the chair Emma had pulled out for him. "So what are we having?"

"Lasagne. I seem to be able to remember how to make it rather well, and Emma told me that you like it."

"Yeah, it always tastes awesome when you make it." Henry sensed Regina's need for any kind of reassurance or compliment, and was rewarded with a small smile from his adoptive mother.

"It'll be about another half an hour I believe. Why don't we go into the other room?" Regina walked over to where Henry was sat, and considered touching his shoulder for a moment before changing her mind. Seeing the other woman looking lost, Emma got up from where she herself had been sat and walked into the front room, the other two following her.

* * *

"So what have you guys been up to?" Henry asked after a few minutes of intensely uncomfortable silence.

"Not much, you know. I've been going into work a couple of hours every day, and your mom mainly stays here. She's been speaking to Ruby, though."

"You have?" Henry seemed shocked.

"Yes. Ruby and I have became quite good friends. She said she knows how it feels to feel a little… lost and confused about who you are. It's been nice to have someone to talk to."

Emma immediately felt guilty. "Yeah, and we've started going to see Archie too."

Regina gave Emma a briefly hurt look, but said nothing.

"Archie's really great, isn't he? I used to go and see him when I was younger. He's a really cool guy." Henry noticed the tense atmosphere, and so offered up more about himself to bridge the gap.

"You used to go and see Dr Hopper?" Regina looked at the boy with sadness.

"Yeah. You thought I had some problems."

"Henry, I'm sorry." Regina sounded disgusted with herself, a betrayal of her own son, and could feel tears building up in her eyes.

"No, no, you were right. Going to Dr Hopper really helped me. You did the right thing." Henry once again said what was needed in the moment, and Emma couldn't help but be overwhelmed by how much of a grown up he could be when it was required.

Regina still didn't seem to be too sure, but Henry interrupted her thought by declaring he was going to pick up a few things from his room while he was thinking about them, leaving the two women alone. Without saying anything, Regina stood up and exited back into the kitchen, not giving so much as a glance in Emma's direction.

"Hey, Regina." Emma followed her, and grabbed onto her arm in an attempt to stop her. "Did I do something wrong?"

"You told Henry about Dr Hopper."

"..Yeah?"

"I wish you hadn't been so brazen about it."

"He's our son." Emma explained, as if the explanation of her actions was obvious.

"It was not your information to share." Regina's voice raised slightly, but after taking a deep breath in she calmed back down. "I just wish you hadn't. But it's done now." Regina seemed so reasonable about something that had clearly upset her, and Emma took the time to dwell on that.

"I'm sorry, I get it. You're allowed to be pissed off with me, I deserve it."

"You're the last person to deserve it. Everybody makes mistakes." Regina turned and checked on the lasagne in the oven, feeling Emma's eyes still burning on the back of her head. "Emma. Why don't you go and check on our son?" she offered the woman a smile, as if to tell her they were fine, but Emma didn't believe it.

* * *

Emma knocked lightly on Henry's bedroom door, and entered to find him sat cross-legged on his bed, with the book open on his lap.

"What are you doing?" Emma asked him, taking a seat beside him and looking over his shoulder at the page he had open.

"Looking at mom. The evil queen." he corrected himself. "I don't get it, Emma. This isn't mom… but it is. How is the evil queen the same person stood downstairs?"

"She isn't. I don't think she has been in a long time. She'd changed, even before this. But now… your mom had a really rough time when she was younger. And that's why she created this person, to protect herself. But now she doesn't have any memory of what happened to her, and maybe that's why she doesn't feel the need to be that person. She isn't hiding behind evil, or magic. Maybe she can't."

"Do you think this is it, then? Do you think she's changed for good?" Henry picked at the corner of the book, embarrassed by the serious nature of the conversation.

"It's impossible to know. We don't even know if she's going to get her memories back. I hope she's changed for good though, for you. She's gone through so much effort today, and she doesn't even know you. She's trying so hard to be a good mother to a son that she doesn't know, and that must mean something. Do you think?"

"I guess." Henry closed the book and turned to his mother. "Thanks for… treating me like an adult, ma. I never liked it when you guys would try and keep things from me. I like that you trust me."

"Come here." Emma pulled Henry into her side for a hug, despite protests. "I love you, kid."

"Love you too. Let's go back downstairs."

* * *

Though the silence as they sat around the table eating was deafening, it was markedly more comfortable than it had been before.

"So Henry, how has school been?"

"Good." Again, silence.

"Emma tells me you like comic books. I saw some in your room..." Regina attempted next.

"Yeah, I love them. Spiderman's my favourite."

"I have to admit.. I had a glance at a couple a few days ago." Emma chuckled at Regina's admission.

"Did you like them?" Henry perked up.

"They were thrilling, I have to say. You will have to show me your favourites one time, I would like to look at them with you."

Henry began to babble about comics for the rest of the meal, and both women were more than happy to indulge him. Regina in particular felt an unexpected sense of comfort overwhelm her as she heard her son talk, his face lighted up and his eyes wide as he spoke animatedly. She'd caused this, she realised. She'd made him happy.

* * *

Henry asked for seconds, only partly to please Regina, and after the three had finished eating they returned to the front room to continue the conversation.

"So Henry.. do you have a girlfriend?" Regina asked him, her eyebrow raising accusingly.

"Oh god. Did ma set you up to this?" Henry buried his head in his hands.

"I'm simply trying to get to know you, that's all." Henry could see from Regina's eyes that she was using that excuse to her advantage.

"Let's just not have this conversation. I beg you."

"That's a yes, then." Emma snorted to Regina. "You know, you'll have to introduce us some time. We have to embarrass you, it's tradition."

"No, it's not." Henry tried to insist, his voice eliciting terror.

"It is, kid. Bad time to have 2 moms." Emma punched him lightly on the arm as his face continued to turn crimson.

"Just... next topic please." Henry tried to recover himself.

"How's your grandparents and uncle?" Emma asked.

"They're good. Neal cries all the time though, I think he misses you, mom."

"Oh?" Regina sat up straighter.

"Yeah, when he was first born you and my mom would sit for hours trying to get him to sleep. She'd call you the baby whisperer." Emma laughed at the memory, and also at the fact that what she was remembering was only a couple of months ago. "…Neal's… a baby, he'll grow out of it." Emma still choked on his name.

"Did you say his name was Neal?" Regina realised the significance.

"Yep, Neal."

"That seems…" Regina paused, "in bad taste." she settled on eventually.

"Tell me about it. Anyway Henry, we best be getting you home." The three rose, and Emma gave him a hug goodbye. "You'll be alright to get back?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." Henry moved away from Emma, and hesitated in front of Regina. "Bye mom."

After a second's deliberation, Regina gave him a brief, tight hug. "Come and see us again soon, it's been really nice seeing you."

"I'll see you soon." with one last smile, Henry left, and Regina and Emma both seemed to sigh a breath of relief.

* * *

**A/N: Don't forget to review! :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hello again lovely readers! As I said last chapter, things are gearing up a bit now. I know I've tried to throw in fluffy bits where I can before, but sadly they're going to be few and far between for at least the next few chapters. Just keep in mind that I'm a sucker for happy endings as this continues to unfold ;)**

**Thanks again for all your support - enjoy!**

* * *

_And to see you going through this_

_Was the hardest thing I've done_

_To feel so powerless to help you_

_Once your mind was too far gone_

_And you were putting so much in_

_For nothing in return_

_-Stornoway, The Ones We Hurt the Most_

* * *

Following almost the exact same schedule as they'd followed the day before, both Emma and Regina rose fairly early and began to get ready, as Regina prepared for another session with Archie and Emma for a morning at the station.

"So, last night was good, wasn't it?" The two women had gone to bed not long after Henry left, and hadn't had the proper chance to discuss the night. Emma decided to broach the subject now while the event was still fresh.

"Yes, it was. Henry really is a very sweet boy. We're lucky."

"You raised him well." Emma smiled at Regina as she pulled on her leather jacket. "You did really great."

"With dinner, or.."

"Both." Now it was Regina's turn to smile, accepting the compliment even if she felt as though she couldn't accept credit for the way she had brought Henry up.

"Ready to go?" Emma grabbed her gun and badge, patting her pockets to make sure she had all of her other essentials.

"I believe so."

"In that case, your carriage awaits." Emma held out her arm to Regina, who took it, for once, without protestation.

"So in this situation, your arm is a carriage?"

"Yeah well, it's not a flawless metaphor, I'll give you that."

"You're right about that."

* * *

Emma and Regina once again continued to bicker as they made the journey to Archie's office, and Regina was secretly flattered by the door to door service she received from her 'carriage'. Emma went bounding off to work with the bizarrely placed enthusiasm of a puppy, and threw Regina a relaxed wave over her shoulder as she walked away.

Archie and Regina's appointment today lasted just under two hours, with Archie mainly trying to delve deeper into the emotions Regina had expressed the day before and try to help her with ways to control them. At the end of the session, as Regina prepared to go, Archie stopped her with an awkward hand on the forearm.

"Regina, I hope you don't mind me asking. I was just wondering how yourself and Emma were doing."

"We're both fine." Regina seemed confused by the question.

"I'm sorry, that was misleading. I mean, together. How are you finding it living together?"

"Oh. Well, that's fine too. Better than fine." Regina smiled to herself, almost childishly, startling Archie. "Emma explained that we were friends before the accident, but truthfully I find that hard to believe. When I first met her, I thought… well I'm not entirely sure what I thought. Would a friend really do all of this for me? Would I have been happy with Emma as my friend?"

"Your relationship was always a little… tempestuous. But I think you -were- happy, as friends. Of course, that may very well have changed now. You were very guarded with your emotions, and reluctant to let anyone, least of all Emma, in. I don't mean to offend, but perhaps that's some good that has came from the accident. You and Emma were very well matched personality-wise and you had similar reactions to your life experiences, I feel, but there was never much of a chance for you both to realise. You're a lot more open now, and here's hoping that will help you progress in the future."

Regina considered this for a long moment. "You may be right. Thank you Dr Hopper. Same time tomorrow?"

"I'll look forward to it."

* * *

Emma and Regina met up again at the diner after they were both finished, and spent a couple of hours relaxing in loose conversation there before deciding to return home. Emma by this time was beginning to find days in the mansion monotonous, and was quick to express this to Regina.

"Want to play a game?" Emma pestered Regina as they entered the front room wearily.

"I'm not sure I'm in the mood.." Regina sighed, wandering the room as a bout of restlessness overcame her.

"Come on, it'll be fun." Emma could be very childish at times, and she'd found that sans-memory Regina seemed to like it.

Regina exhaled loudly, irritated but yet content. "Very well. What would you like to play?"

"I spy? Basically you choose something that you can see around the room and the other person has to guess what it is."

"Sounds thrilling." Regina, understandably, didn't seem too impressed.

"I'll start." Emma childishly ignored the woman. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with… S."

"Stairs."

"Nope."

"Shoes."

"Nope."

"Sun."

"Nope."

"Stain on your shirt."

"Damnit. But nope."

"Ok, I give up."

"Smile." Emma winked at Regina, and the woman's face lit up hesitantly, a pure smile spreading to her eyes. "See, it worked."

"Your talent knows no bounds."

"I like this, you know." Emma and Regina were now curled up carefully on opposite ends of the sofa, their legs tucked beside them with their feet inches from touching. "I like spending time with you."

"You haven't really had much other option, have you" Regina smiled slightly, looking down to hide her face from the other woman.

"No, I had a choice." Emma reassured her, a brief frown creasing between her eyebrows. Amazingly, it hadn't before fully occurred to Regina that Emma was here for any other reason than an obligation.

"And you're still here.." Regina didn't pose it as a question, instead pulling herself carefully onto her knees facing Emma. Emma looked at her confused for a long moment, before tilting her head to the side and offering the woman the smile for which she had become famous in Regina's heart.

"What are you thinking?" Emma asked with her smile, searching Regina's eyes. The woman didn't reply in words, instead leaning up from her legs and moving over Emma. Emma turned herself fully, and leant back on the arm of the chair while Regina hovered over her.

Emma grabbed the back of Regina's neck, and pulled her face in closer, their foreheads touching. This is it, Emma thought. The moment of truth. If they kiss, and nothing happens, this… whatever it is, isn't true love. If Regina does get her memories back, however, she may not be _this _Regina. And their relationship would get a whole lot more complicated.

"Well?" Regina whispered nervously over Emma's face.

"Just a second." Emma continued to debate the situation in her mind, eventually deciding to go for it, just as Regina sighed an exasperated "for heaven's sake" and pressed her lips against Emma's.

At first, there was nothing Emma had expected. There weren't fireworks. There wasn't heat, or passion, or much intensity. Regina was tired, and Emma was hungry. Regina had a headache and Emma had a crick in her neck. But undeniably, as Regina pulled her hand up to rest in Emma's hair, there was _something._

And as they continued, with Emma biting at Regina's lower lip and Regina slowly allowing her tongue to enter Emma's mouth, it began.

Memories. All of them, in quick succession. Her father. Her mother. Daniel. Snow White. Leopold. Rumplestiltskin. A promise. A curse. A wish. Henry. Graham. Emma. Her mother again. Emma. Zelena. _Emma._

Regina allowed herself a few more seconds of happiness, before coming hurtling back to reality and opening her dark eyes sharply. Emma felt the flutter of eyelashes, and she too opened her eyes so that they were staring at each other, lips still barely touching.

Emma considered asking Regina if anything had happened, but she soon got her answer anyway. Regina leapt up abruptly, and almost fell to the ground with the dizziness caused by her overly-swift movement.

"Are you okay?" Emma asked, clearing her throat, embarrassed.

"Quite fine, Miss Swan." The name gave it away.

"You… you remember." Emma stared at Regina taking a second to regain her balance, before the woman attempted to exit into the kitchen.

"It appears so." Regina purposefully kept her body facing away from Emma, running her hands through her hair in an attempt to regain some sense of control. "Would you like some tea?"

"Regina - what the fuck…"

"Tea?" Regina almost insisted the question.

"No, Regina, I would not like some _fucking tea. _You understand what just happened right? We kissed, and you remembered."

"A coincidence if ever there was one. Coffee, then?" Regina grabbed two cups from a cupboard, still looking anywhere but Emma's face.

"No, stop, I don't want a drink." Emma began to get exasperated, and hearing the shake in Regina's voice wasn't helping. "Are we seriously not going to talk about this? Regina, you _just _remembered. Like, just then. And you're just suddenly back to normal?"

"Very well." Regina cleared her throat. "You were here to help me while I was incapacitated. Now all has been restored, please don't feel obligated to stay any longer."

"Regina…"

"Don't test me on this. I don't want you to be here." Regina interrupted insistently.

"You still aren't 100%…"

"If you will allow Henry to stay with me for the foreseeable, I'm sure he could provide me help should I desperately need it."

Emma tries desperately to meet Regina's eye, but the woman seems intent on avoiding that at all costs. "And if I want to stay?"

"That will be all. Goodbye, Miss Swan." Regina crossed over to the sink, gripping onto the sides of it for dear life as if she were about to throw up. Emma approached her, and went to place a hand onto the woman's shoulder. _"Miss Swan." _Regina repeated, a tone of harsh venom over-riding what was undeniably a crack in her voice.

"This isn't fair, Regina. You remembering like this. You were just..."

"I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve with this conversation, but I would advise you to stop it before we both say something we'll regret."

Emma backed up quickly, as if burned. But if this is how Regina was going to be, there was nothing she could do. She wished that this hadn't happened so soon, just as Regina was starting to make real, meaningful progress with herself. She wished she'd handled things better. She wished she had anything to say.

"I'll send Henry over." Emma offered in a controlled, emotionless tone, and exited the mansion for good as Regina crumpled to the floor.

* * *

**A/N: I sort of hate myself for making this happen now. But it was a necessary evil I think. Don't forget to review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hey guys! Before I get on with the chapter I want to give a special shout out to all of you who've followed and favourited and reviewed, but especially those of you who take the time out of your day to review each and every chapter. It's such a lovely, special thing to do, and I love you for it :)**

******Enjoy chapter 13!**

* * *

_I've been tired and hopeful (I've been hurting inside)_

_For far too long now_

_So I'm giving it up, giving up, giving up on love_

_…_

_And it was obvious from the start_

_We were the only ones with hearts_

_And you pull mine apart_

_With the things that you do_

___-Slow Club, Giving Up On Love_

* * *

Emma allowed angry tears to flow as soon as she closed the door to the mansion, punching it harshly for good measure. All the effort Regina had been making, trying to get better, gone to waste. Emma had always had some feelings for her, there was no denying that. These feelings became evident as she sat up at night stroking her hair as she cried. They grew even further as they spent the days bickering effortlessly about nothing in particular. She knew she'd fallen in love with her as she heard her talk to Archie only 2 days before. And now she was right back where she started, with Regina possibly even further back.

And again, this all happened because she was the saviour. Or perhaps because of true love's kiss. Either way, the blame came at least on part on Emma, and the bitterness she felt towards this whole fairytale charade was hard to swallow.

Emma reached her parent's apartment feeling defeated. Without knocking the door, she entered into the picturesque sight of her mother and father curled on the sofa together, the baby in between them, with the television whispering softly in the background. She spent a few seconds watching them, allowing herself one more tear for the family she never had, before turning and spotting Henry in the kitchen.

"Ma… what's happened? Are you hurt?" Emma realised she was still limping from the plate accident a few days before, with her knuckles now bleeding angrily, dripping red onto the floor.

"No, I'm not." was all she said, taking an ice pack from the freezer and wincing as she placed it on her hand. "Your mom wants you to go home."

"That doesn't seem like a good idea.." Henry said unsurely.

"She's remembered, Henry. Go home." Emma wasn't in the mood to say any more, and Henry got the message quickly. He wanted to be happy, and thought Emma would be too, but sensing her mood and the possible reason for the blood pooling at her feet, he said no more. Instead, he went into his room and packed a bag quickly, before dropping a kiss onto his uncle's forehead and moving towards the front door.

"Look after her. She's going to need it." was Emma's goodbye as her son left.

* * *

After abandoning all hope of her hand stopping bleeding, Emma remembered a punch bag she'd brought Mary Margaret as a joke not long before the curse broke. Emma had always poked fun at how calm and relaxed Mary Margaret always seemed to be, but now she envied her more than anything for being able to control her emotions. All Emma wanted to do was vent, and if her parents were going to sleep, then she was going to punch. Her hand was already bleeding, so there was surely only so much more damage she could do, she justified as she remembered that they'd lost the gloves.

She searched through every large enough cupboard she could find, eventually locating the bag in what was supposed to be a walk-in wardrobe, but had became a cupboard for useless items when Emma had moved in. Grunting with pain, she pulled the back as best she could into the bedroom, heaving it into the corner where there was the most room.

Pulling the first swing, she realised the position of the bag was a mistake, and it hit off the wall crudely, leaving flakes of plaster to float to the floor. At a loss about whether she was supposed to care about the damage she was doing, she continued to punch regardless. Before too long, the gaps she had left for breaths turned into more punches, and she punched and punched until she couldn't anymore.

"Stupid…. Fucking…." she muttered to herself as her pace increased, but the word "saviour" stuck in her throat as she felt the skin of her right-hand knuckles rip apart, and she screamed out in pain instead.

With that, her brother began to cry tiredly, and she heard her parents muttering to each other in hushed tones before one of them got up, picked up something metal and came bursting into the room.

"Emma!" her father dropped his trusty sword at the door, and rushed over to bend down to where Emma had dropped next to the punch bag, blood on her shirt and her legs folded haphazardly beneath her. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here." she said spitefully.

"You don't anymore, honey. You bought a new apartment for you and Henry, don't you remember?"

Emma couldn't believe that something like that had slipped her mind. "Right, yeah. I'll go then." she got to her feet awkwardly, stumbling as if she was drunk, before David grabbed her hand and pulled her lightly back down.

"Come on Emma, I'm your dad. At least tell me what's wrong."

"Even if you can't fix it?"

"I still want to know." David put his arm around her shoulder, and an act as familial as that reduced Emma to yet more tears, as she fell onto his side.

"Regina remembered."

"And that's not a good thing?" David was understandably confused, but the look Emma gave him told him all he needed to know. "Oh."

"We were nearly happy. We were nearly there. And then…"

"Then?" Emma wasn't sure David would want to know what was coming next, but she honestly didn't care.

"She kissed me. And she remembered."

"Right." Emma's father sounded so sure about that, as if he had been expecting it. "And let me guess, she flew off the handle?"

"Of course she did. That's all she ever does."

"Not anymore she doesn't. You know better than to think that about her. She's scared, Emma. Aren't you?"

"Obviously I am! I'm terrified! I mean, this is Regina we're talking about; Regina whose memories came back when she kissed me."

"And you think it was true love? And that's what scared you?"

"Regina was insisting it wasn't. But if it wasn't, then… then it was me. Being the saviour, as usual. Saving somebody who didn't need saving."

"If Regina was angry, I think you know which one it was. She's scared that this means something's going to change. When Regina feels something, she tries to cover it with whatever else she can spare. But that's probably something your mother could talk to you better about."

"Right, because the woman I love spent years trying to kill her."

"Emma…" David warned her, before she enveloped herself into fits of pitiful, hurt laughter.

"This is so fucked up."

"Yes, I know it is. But just remember that Regina might have problems with this, in the short term at least."

"She isn't like that anymore."

"She's not?"

Emma paused. "I don't know. God, why does everything always have to be so black and white with you people? I've started thinking that too; I keep thinking to myself that people, that Regina, has to be one person or the other. But it's not like that at all, not really. Don't you think?" David hesitated.

"I don't know what I can say to make you feel better, honey."

"You don't need to say anything." Emma mumbled into the knees she had pulled up to her face, and David pulled her in tighter to him.

* * *

Regina allowed herself a few minutes curled on the floor where she dropped before she got back up. Though it was only partly, Regina blamed her collapse on dizziness, pure and simple, and not because of any latent feelings at having Emma leave.

She chose not to think about the kiss, or what had happened during it, for the foreseeable. Essentially, she would put it out of her mind for as long as she possibly could stand it. Emma was Emma Swan, mother of her child and constant pain in her neck, nothing more, nothing less.

Whatever she had felt for Emma while she had been ill was irrelevant; that was then and this was now. And even if 'then' was only a couple of minutes ago, 'now' she needed to get up and make herself presentable before her son got home.

Looking in the mirror, Regina almost gasped at her appearance. She was almost unrecognisable; her skin pale and waxy, her hair untamed, and her cheeks blotchy from the tears she had neglected to hold in. She washed her face in cold water to compensate, splashing it reluctantly, before drying it with the first piece of fabric she came across. Regrettably, it was one of Emma's shirts, that she had left on the kitchen counter for whatever reason she had justified it with. Regina willed herself to let her go, but instead she buried her face in it, wondering how it had taken herself under a minute to destroy a relationship months in the making.

In spite of what she had just agreed mentally with herself, her own cold, forced words of persuasion repeating in her head, she missed Emma. She'd only left a few minutes ago, and yet she missed her with her whole heart. The goofy, childish smile she did, the greedy and excessive way she ate, the comfort she effortlessly provided to a woman who never deserved it.

"Mom!" Henry shouted out as he entered the house, and Regina ran a hand through her hair to sort it out.

"In the kitchen." Henry came in quickly, almost running, and launched himself at his mother. He'd grown so much that he could no longer put his head into her chest as they hugged, instead settling for resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Are you ok?" he asked as he pulled away. The familiarity of the comfort that Henry gave her had sent Regina close to the brink once again, but she managed to contain it and settle on a watery smile.

"I'm fine, dear. So much better now you're home with me." Regina figured that Henry would indulge her sentimentality just this once, and he did, however begrudgingly.

"Are you sure? You look like you're crying.."

"I'm just a little bit overwhelmed, that's all. I'm going to go and lie down for a little while, is that ok with you?"

"Course it is. I'll be in my room." Henry left reluctantly, and Regina took a few deep breaths before she herself climbed the stairs.

* * *

After filling Mary Margaret in on what had happened, David took Neal out for a walk, leaving mother and daughter alone in the apartment.

"Your father is right, Emma. This is what Regina does when she's scared. Her heart gets so full, her body even, and she doesn't know what to do with it. Maybe you should give her some time to come to terms with this, I'm sure it's come as a bit of a shock to her. Would you like me to have a word?"

"No, mom. I'm not some little kid trying to break up with her boyfriend."

"I know you aren't." Mary Margaret responded wistfully, "But I'm still your mother, and I know that you need some sleep. It might clear your head." The woman stood up and guided Emma as though she was blind into her bedroom, where she settled her down under the covers.

"Me and David will sleep in the other bed, you can stay in here tonight."

"Mom, it's ok…" Emma got the foreign feeling that this was what parenting a small child was like; when they were sick, you made them sleep in your bed, as if this would offer them some form of protection.

"No Emma, you'll stay here. Now go to sleep. I love you." Mary Margaret laid a kiss on her daughter's forehead.

"Love you too." Emma turned over to lie on her side, knowing that sleep wouldn't come easy for her. It was too quiet, and the bed was too empty.

When she eventually got to sleep, she woke an hour later, expecting to hear cries from beside her. But none came, and so she continued to lie awake in the darkness.

* * *

**A/N: I WON'T BE UPDATING FOR A WEEK. Now that I've got your attention... I'm going on holiday in a couple of days, and I'm going to have patchy wifi. I won't be home until Saturday the 2nd, so I'll try and get the next chapter up for you that weekend :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I'm baaaaack! Saying thank you was getting boring, so today i'm going to say merci to each and every one of you. There's nearly 200 followers on this story now, and that's just incredible. So yes, merci to you all. Don't forget to keep reviewing!**

**PS, 6 chapters left! Shit's going down next chapter.**

* * *

_Too dumb to say goodbye_

_That's some cliché shit, makes me wanna cry_

_Just know that every time I look in your eye_

_I see better, I see better, better days_

_Try to remember, that you can't forget_

_Down with history, up with your head_

_For sweet tomorrow, she never fell from grace_

_We might still know sorrow but we got better days_

_-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Better Days_

* * *

Emma eventually got out of bed properly for the first time, somehow still emotionally and physically drained, two days later. Staring in the mirror like she hadn't done in weeks, she took the sight of what looked like a ghost. Her skin was dry, her hair was greasy, and the dark, hollowed bags under her eyes had taken on a life of their own. Her cheeks were flushed from the heat of the bedroom which hadn't seen daylight or fresh air in days, and she was wearing an old tank top so dirty and worn that it could only justifiably be described as disgusting. It had only been two days since her last proper meal, but her skin was pasty and her cheeks already seemed as if they were starting to hollow.

"Emma, you're up!" Mary Margaret seemed shocked as Emma shuffled slowly into the kitchen, searching with bleary eyes for coffee. "I didn't make you one, I assumed you weren't ready to come out yet."

"It's fine, I'll make some more." down heartened wasn't the word that sprung to Mary Margaret's mind when she heard her daughter's voice. It was more melancholy, and mournful. Missing something.

"Your father told me how worried he is about you. He said you really weren't at all yourself when he spoke to you the other day. He said you scared him."

"Well it's nice of him to care, but there's no need. I'm fine, Mary Margaret."

"How can you say that with a straight face? Have you _seen _yourself?" the woman had been horrified at her daughter's exhausted appearance when she'd first caught sight of her.

"Gee, thanks mom." Emma snorted, placing emphasis on the last word.

"I'm sorry to be rude, but I mean it Emma. You look ill. Go and have a shower, and then go outside and get some fresh air, it really looks like you could use it."

"What if she's out there?" Emma asks abruptly, seeming genuinely scared at the idea of running into Regina and having to face up to the situation she found herself in.

Mary Margaret sighed, and considered for a moment. "Then you say hello, and you be polite. See what she has to say, if anything. Like David and I told you, Regina is scared. When she pushed you away, she was trying to get this kind of reaction out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you upset." she gave Emma a motherly, sympathetic smile, but it went unnoticed. "Are you going to make yourself something to eat first?"

"Nope."

"Emma…" her mother began to warn her.

"I honestly don't think I could stomach anything right now. But if it'll get you off my case, I'll grab a bear claw or something from Granny's."

"I suppose that's better than nothing." Mary Margaret chuckled to herself, "I've never felt more like a real mother than I do now, with my big baby not listening to me and my little baby asleep in my arms." She smiled down at her son, who looked positively angelic for someone who had been awake screaming for most of the night.

"Well if you enjoy it so much I'll just have to keep it up." Emma remarked snidely, instantly regretting her tone as she saw hurt flash across her mother's face. "Sorry. Too much time by myself probably."

"So you're going to go out?" Mary Margaret's face brightened.

"Yes, if it'll make you happy."

"That's settled then. You can take your brother." Mary Margaret sighed with relief. She was missing having Henry here to give her a break occasionally, and she really needed to catch up on the sleep she'd missed last night. "I never realised he would cry so much."

"If you want, I can magic him quiet for you.." Emma offered jokily.

"That's not funny, Emma!" Emma walked over to her mother and brother, giving them each a lazy but needed kiss on the forehead, before heading off to get changed.

* * *

"So Neal… how have you been?" Emma only half-jokingly said to the baby as she walked down Main Street with him wrapped up in the stroller, big puppy eyes staring up at her expectantly. "Sorry, it's been a few days since I've spoke to people. And you have no idea what I'm saying, do you?" Emma shook her head at her own attempts at engaging a 5 month old baby in conversation. "Anyway, I'll leave you to your thoughts."

"Emma, have you like… lost the plot?" Ruby's voice came from behind her.

"There's a very good chance." she turned to look at her, reluctant to face anyone. "Did you.. hear about Regina?"

"Yep. Not that she told me herself, apparently she's avoiding me now. Henry told me. But how are _you?_ I haven't seen you around in a few days." Ruby's brow furrowed in concern, which seemed mismatched to her appearance; the bright red of her shorts had caused an ache in Emma's eyes, that were seemingly yearning for darkness.

"I'm…" Emma sighed, looking down and self-consciously tucking hair behind her ears. "I'll be fine."

"I know what you need."

"If the next words to leave your mouth are 'girls night' Ruby…"

"Are you sure? We'll try our best to cheer you up!" Ruby echoed Neal's puppy eyes at Emma, tugging at her arm.

"I'm not sure I'd be good company right now. As Neal would tell you." Emma signalled down at the boy, who was finally falling asleep. "Soon, I promise. Just let me get this out of my system."

"This? Or her?" Ruby questioned, not fully expecting an answer. Even so, Emma's silence spoke volumes. "Yeah, I thought so. Take all the time you need, that woman is a lot to get your head round. Bye, Emma."

* * *

Emma wished she hadn't been reminded of Regina.

She'd spent the last 48 hours obsessing over her. What she was doing, _how _she was doing. If she was sad, or angry, or just relieved that Emma had thought good enough to leave well alone. Once or twice, she'd indulged the thought that maybe Regina missed her. But she'd made no effort to contact her, so Emma was sure that ship had sailed.

The answer to the question of what Regina was doing was answered, this time, however. In true Emma-style, she'd managed to waltz right into the situation she'd wanted nothing more to avoid. She hadn't recognised Regina at first; she was wearing a pair of thick rimmed glasses she'd never seen before, and truthfully she looked worse than even Emma had done that morning. Emma was wary of looking fully at Regina's face, however, and was froze to the spot while she tried desperately to think of something to say. Better to be speechless now, than to be in front of Regina and remind her of what an idiot she'd always perceived her to be. She was completely blindsided by spotting her, and knew that whatever she said now wouldn't be half of what she really wanted to.

Overcome with a new determination, and with her mother's words ringing in her ears, she began to push Neal's stroller down the street with energy.

"Regina, hi." was the best she could manage while still keeping up her bravado.

Regina looked up from the window she had been pretending to look into, and looked Emma briefly in the eye before dragging her sight down to Neal. "Hi. And hello, sweet thing." she bent down over Neal and played with his hand briefly, giving herself an interlude to pull herself together before she had to face Emma again.

"How have you been?" Emma asked politely, keeping her mind off the things which she really wanted to say. How much she missed her, how she was all she thought about, how she couldn't sleep, or eat, or do much of anything without her.

"A little better. I'm actually on my way to an appointment at the hospital." Regina stood back up, looking across the street, as far away from Emma as possible. "How about you?"

"About as well as you'd expect." Emma's words carried significant weight, and it wasn't missed by Regina. Emma too was avoiding looking at Regina for too long, not wanting to deflect from the attitude she was trying to convey. "How's Henry?"

"He's quite fine, Miss Swan. You, on the other hand, look like an escaped convict who was never taught to use a shower." Regina sneered, hiding the concern as she took in Emma's appearance.

Emma scoffed, although she wasn't sure she'd expected anything else from the woman. "Ok, so that's how you're playing it. That's fine, Regina. I thought I was ready to have a proper conversation, to maybe listen to you if you could stop insulting me for two minutes and actually say what you were thinking. But clearly you aren't ready for that yet, and I don't think I am either. Can I just ask though; aren't you sick and tired of pushing everyone who cares about you away?"

Regina skipped a breath as she realised Emma had admitted she cared about her. "No." she tried to say it as if the question was ridiculous, but it came out hopeless, and utterly unconvincing. "I've found it to serve me quite well so far."

"You know of all the lies you've told, that one has _got _to be the biggest."

Regina sighed heavily. "Not yet, Miss Swan."

"Whatever, that's fine. I'll wait. Goodbye." Emma sounded abrupt and harsh, but truthfully she couldn't find it in her to care.

"Emma…" Regina surprised herself by calling after the woman as she marched away, her voice weak, cracked and weary. Emma turned her head half heartedly to the side, but didn't make an effort to look at Regina.

"What?"

"..Goodbye."

Emma almost laughed as she walked away.

* * *

**A/N: if you're interested, i have a LOT of other fics in the works right now. I've got a silly little one-shot that I might upload soon, a Neverland fic, a Police AU, a coffee shop AU, and a list of about 20 others I want to write, so stay tuned!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Surprise! I know I only updated yesterday, but I was away for a week and so I wanted to give you an extra. And not only that, but when I woke up today this story had 200 followers. So not only gracias (language of the day - Spanish), but also THANK YOU to all of you. If you've followed, favourited, reviewed, or if you haven't but are reading this now, then I love you. And please send me a message on here or tumblr (swarklesinstorybrooke) if you want so I can feel like I'm not just rambling to myself:p**

**Here's chapter 15. It's a tad longer than the others, and I rewrote this about 2000000 times while drafting, changing one scene. But I'm finally happy with it. So without further ado... enjoy! **

* * *

_This old routine will drive you mad_

_It's just a mumble never spoken out loud_

_And sometimes you don't even know why love her_

_Well you look at her now, and you see why_

___-First Aid Kit, This Old Routine_

* * *

The next few days blended into one for Emma. Between work and subconsciously hiding from Regina, she hadn't had a moments rest, and she'd barely ate or slept since Regina got her memories back. She'd continued to stay with her parents, reluctant to go home to an empty and still unfurnished apartment, and they refused to let her sleep anywhere other than their bedroom while she, in their words, 'got better.'

Emma was disturbed from a night of restless sleep by a knock on the bedroom door. Expecting her mother, she beckoned them in, only to be greeted by Henry, bright eyed and ready for the day.

"Hey, Ma."

"Henry! What are you doing here?"

"Mom told me to come and see you for the day."

"That was… reasonable of her." Emma sat up, bleary eyed.

"She knew I missed you, I think. She said it's only fair."

"Well, I'm glad. What do you want to do today, kid?"

"Can we just stay here? I've still got the xbox hooked up from when I was staying, and it seems like ages since I've beat you."

"And you're not going to beat me anytime soon." Emma joked. "Give me a couple of minutes to get dressed, you go and set it up."

* * *

The two played until the late afternoon, only stopping so that Henry could eat, with him taking over as Emma's parent in David and Mary Margaret's absence trying to force her to eat too.

"Come on, you have to."

"I'm not hungry!"

"Burgers are good for you!"

"Nice try. Just eat, I'm fine." Henry shook his head but decided to drop the matter, instead turning the conversation tentatively towards his other mother.

"I'm a little worried about mom."

"Oh?" Emma tried to sound indifferent.

"She's been really… upset. She tries to hide it, but I can tell. She doesn't even care what time I go to bed, or if I eat all my vegetables." Henry seemed perturbed, but Emma knew there was nothing she could do to help Regina if she wasn't willing.

"This is probably all just a lot to get her head around. I'm sure she'll be back to ruling with an iron fist in no time." Emma didn't sound convinced, and neither was Henry.

"I should probably go back anyway, she'll be wondering where I am."

"I'll walk you."

* * *

Emma couldn't help but feel that Regina allowing her to see Henry was an attempt at mending a bridge between them. And if that was the case, she knew she wanted to talk to Regina properly but was genuinely at a loss as to what to say, as well as how it would be received. Arriving at Regina's porch, she was still undecided, and ended up breathless as Regina opened the door, and she properly took in her appearance. It had only been a couple of days since they had last seen each other, but, as Henry scuttled past them into the house, Emma felt how much she had missed the woman.

Ridiculous things, such as the scar by her lip, and the way she raises her eyebrow when she's exasperated came flooding back to Emma, and she could think of nothing else but how much she needed to take the woman in her arms and never let her go.

"Miss Swan? Are you going to say something or just stand there gawking all day?" Regina eventually snapped her out of it, her voice lacking its usual snap.

"Yeah, uh.. Can I come in?"

"If you must." Regina led Emma into the front room, and neither of them moved to sit down, instead hovering in the middle of the room.

"So, you're… looking good." it was a lie.

"Yes, well, I'm getting out a little more now, and getting lots of rest." that was a lie too, and both women knew it. "What is it you wanted, Miss Swan?"

"Do you ever wish… do you wish you'd never got your memories back?" Emma let the words stumble out of her mouth unexpectedly, and braced herself for Regina's response.

"Yes. Yes, I do." Regina responded with a slight frown, shocking Emma.

"Me too. Even though you were in pain and trying to heal yourself, make yourself a better person, it felt easy. At the end there, I really thought…" Emma wasn't sure why both of them were suddenly being so honest, but she also knew that it would be impossible to stop now.

"I know." Regina interrupted the thought. "Please… I'm grateful for all you did for me, Miss Swan. But I've been having trouble understanding why. Why would you help me?"

"At first, it was for Henry. You're his mom, and you needed help."

"At first?"

Emma took a deep breath in. "It was for our son. Until it wasn't anymore."

"Emma…" Regina whispered the name; almost exhaled it as though it pained her. "Getting my memories back seemed inevitable to me, in spite of how little I wanted them. That was the only…. That was the only thing that was inevitable, though. Nothing else could be."

"That's not true." Emma responded pointedly.

Regina walked up to Emma. Slowly, and purposefully. At first, she thought she was going to kiss the woman. That had certainly been her intention - to just give in. But as she approached the woman, pausing just inches from her face, she felt the muscles in her body contract as Emma's breath hit her face.

This wasn't right. She shouldn't have such a strong reaction from something as simple as being _near _another person. Especially Emma. It was dangerous, for the both of them. She wished there was a way to be near Emma, to satisfy her need for her, without it having to be real. Human.

Then, a thought occurred to her. She lifted one hand, and ran the tips of her fingers down Emma's stomach. Nails grazing over Emma's taut muscles, before raising higher. Allowing herself a second to look into the woman's eyes, Emma noticed the fear in them. And immediately, the blonde knew what Regina was considering.

"It won't work." was all Emma said as Regina's hand paused above her heart. Regina looked at her hand for a few moments, hovering above the place where the object she desired, emotionally if not physically, resided. As she continued to stare, the hand began to shake, and started to look more like a stranger to her, a foreign appendage she had no control over, about to make the biggest mistake it could. Eventually too disgusted, with her hand too shaky to do what it desired, Regina lowered it, sending Emma almost stumbling away and the woman herself sitting on the edge of the sofa.

Understandably, given the circumstances, neither said anything for a long time.

"Okay, now I'm starting to get mixed signals." Emma eventually decided was appropriate, trying to make light of the most bizarre situation she had ever found herself in. Regina's face remained stoic, however, and she continued to stare off into space. "Why? Why kill me now, Regina?" she asked calmly, in spite of her racing heart.

"I wasn't trying to kill you." Regina whispered simply. Her bottom lip quivered, and Emma couldn't tell if it was from sadness or rage.

"Then what? You were just curious as to what the inside of my chest felt like?!"

"I wasn't thinking. I wanted to… I wanted it to stop. I just wanted to be in control again, to _have _you. I thought maybe if I had your heart, I wouldn't need…"

"Me."

Regina nodded faintly, and seemed to disappear as she bent her back, her face parallel with her thighs.

"You can't own me, Regina. That isn't how real life works. I don't care how it was in the Enchanted Forest, _you cannot own me."_

Regina looked at Emma in that moment more earnestly than she ever had anyone before. She was asking Emma, _willing_ her to understand why she had done what she had done.

"That was how I… got power over people. Love is weakness. Everything is weakness. If I had your heart I could feel something and not have to… face up to it. I could have a part of you, and keep you with me, but I didn't need to have -you-. It didn't have to be real."

"Well, sorry to disappoint, but me and my heart are kind of a package deal. Now if that's all, I'm leaving."

"Emma… I…" she couldn't get the word love to leave her mouth again. As much as she willed it, it didn't just catch in her throat: it blocked it. "I'm trying." she eventually got out in a strangled cough, which Emma seemed to outwardly not register.

"I know you are."

"Can you just stay?"

"No. I need to… not be here right now."

* * *

It took Emma the journey from the mayoral mansion to Henry's castle, with a quick detour to buy a bottle of whiskey, to experience every emotion she found accessible.

First, she was angry. Angry at Regina for ever getting into this situation in the first place. Angry at herself for deciding to help. Angry at Regina for kissing her. Angry at herself for kissing Regina back. Angry at the aftermath, and magic, and curses, and true love, and just about everything else she could justify.

Above all of the other anger raging around inside her as she stomped heavily down Main Street, she was angry about her own feelings. She'd never depended on happy endings, and after the Neal debacle, this hadn't served her too badly. While she had been alone until Henry came along, she'd never been hurt again. She knew this wasn't Regina's fault. Far from it; it was Emma's own fault for fooling herself into believing that opening up this time would end any differently than it had any other time for her.

Then, she felt lonely. She had only just left Main Street, where many of her neighbours had been bustling about their evenings as if there was nothing wrong. But of course, there was. She couldn't grasp why her emotions had over-ruled her so intensely with this, or why she suddenly felt herself facing the abyss, and all she wanted was Henry or Regina, but she couldn't see either of them. All the years she spent alone, and she'd finally felt like she'd arrived somewhere she belonged. And yet here she was again. Alone.

Sadness arrived next, as she greeted Henry's castle with a solemn smile and perched atop the fence where herself and her son had spent many hours over the years. This castle was the talisman that kept this part of her family grounded, and being here was a poor substitute for being with the real thing. She felt sadness first for herself, and then for Regina. Regina who had been beaten down and taken advantage of her entire life, until she eventually decided to do something about it. Emma couldn't help but wonder that if she were in Regina's situation, she perhaps would have done the same. But of course, Emma had been beaten down too, and unloved, and abandoned, and she had chosen to react to it like this. Putting a dam up to keep her feelings separate from the world, and once you let a little out there's no stopping it. Together, they could have had a chance at building their hearts. Not mending - they weren't broken - but getting stronger, and fuller.

Emma almost got sentimental as her thoughts turned to the kiss, as she opened the bottle in her hands and took a long swig. There may not have been fireworks, but it had been warm, and safe. It was reassuringly without hope or obligation. It was devoid of the usual promises that a kiss brings; promises that neither woman could afford to make right now. Nevertheless, it had been true love. Whether it was because of Henry, or something else entirely, remained to be seen. A few weeks ago, days ago even, Emma would have seen this outcome as the best case scenario. All memories restored, no more nightmares, no more identity crisis.

But it wasn't. Regina's house had become a home to her. Regina was the first person she could remember to have truly cared about her without any slight sense of obligation (whether to family, or to respect Enchanted Forest allies), and she didn't know what she could do if Regina didn't need her anymore. By the time she had consumed 5 more swigs from the bottle, Emma was sure she was in love more than she had ever been before. Equating need to love is always dangerous, but it dawned on her that she loved to be needed as much as Regina needed to be loved.

Love was difficult. Regina had grown to be maladaptive with it at best, and Emma had only just experienced it for the first time. Emma's attempts at love were maternal, or reluctant and downright clumsy. This was something that the two of them had in common; when it concerned people other than their son, love was not something they could quite grasp anymore.

One thing Emma didn't feel, however, was hurt. She'd been expecting something like this to happen. As much as Emma wanted to believe that people could permanently change, especially Regina, she couldn't now find any evidence to support this. Regina had come close. Before the accident, she'd achieved it; she was full of hope, and white magic, and love for her son. But now… Emma didn't know who Regina was now. Whether she was good, or bad, or somewhere in between. And that's what scared her.

As the feelings in Emma's heart began to grow and grow, not necessarily for the better, Emma realised that she should be obligated to arrest herself for being drunk and on the verge of disorderly. But she didn't care that she was sat on a playground, drinking alone in the cold. She just cared about Regina. And about love, and hope, and family, and the promise that one day… maybe all this would change.

* * *

**A/N: THANK YOU AGAIN. Also, KooshGID and MissCynn, one of you two was the 200th follower (not sure which) so if you want a oneshot or anything, send me a PM! :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Hello! Today's thank you comes from lesbian film abundant Sweden. Tack s****å mycket to each and every one of you for doing your reading/following/favouriting/reviewing thing once again. We're entering the home straight (is that a thing?) now, and if chapters were labelled by their significance to the plot, this one would most likely be called 'Turning Point'. Also I know some people wanted to see a bit more of Regina's point of view; ask and ye shall receive. And yay for more Regina and Ruby bff action!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_We spend our time looking for which one fits best_

_And in the morning I am waking_

_And I'm wondering how it's me who ended up like this_

_Cause I'm the one who said it would be easy_

_Now I'm the one who's feeling worse_

_-Slow Club, Sorry About the Doom_

* * *

Much like Emma, sleep hadn't came easily for Regina in the couple of days after her memories returned. Indeed, when she had finally got to sleep, she would wake periodically shouting out and covered in a cold sweat. She hadn't been having nightmares, just dreams of her past life. She refused to call the truth a nightmare.

She tried to reassure herself, as she lay in bed before sunrise, that Emma had taken advantage. Her being here, while Regina was vulnerable and had her guard down. She'd made her feel things that she had no desire to feel again. Yes, it was Emma's fault.

For once, Regina couldn't even make herself believe this. It had been her that kissed Emma. Her that relied on Emma. Her that almost tried to rip Emma's beating heart from her chest when she realised the weight of her feelings.

It had always been easiest to be the Evil Queen if she considered herself inhuman. As odd as it was, thinking of herself as different in every way from others enabled her to create the distance that she needed to carry out the task at hand. As Emma had said not long ago, she was a monster. And she'd been comfortable that way. Familial love, in Regina's mind, resided in a completely different place to romantic love (if that existed at all), and so letting Henry and even Cora in had seemed easy, without risking any other types of feelings overflowing.

When she was growing up, she was simply a girl with love with whoever showed her compassion, and even those who didn't. Next, she was an Evil Queen, with a duty to herself and her mission above all else. Next, she was a Mayor, with a duty to her son and to keep her secret. But now, she realised that she had never thought of herself as simply a person. People fall in love, and get hurt, and rely on others, and Regina had never considered herself to be capable of any of these until now.

Comfortable was the only word she could think of to describe her old life. Being a queen was comfortable; being evil was comfortable. But it wasn't anymore. The fear that had gone racing through her veins and out of every pore when she raised her hand to Emma's chest was unlike anything she had ever felt.

She had always been afraid of change because of the inevitability of evil. Even when she _had _changed, this accident had came along and brought her to a place she never thought she'd be. And now here she is, trying desperately to be that person again, to shut Emma and everyone else out, but she just couldn't bring herself to.

Evil had always seemed like an old friend, greeted warmly whenever it returned, which it always did. But not now. Evil was coarse, and rigid, and painful. It appeared that she couldn't so much as throw her old friend a cautionary glance anymore without guilt and horror over-riding her.

But this… love… that she felt. It was almost worse. It was toe-curling, and sickening. She had always known that Emma Swan would be her downfall, but she had no idea that when it happened, it would be entirely her own fault.

* * *

As Regina became sick of these same thoughts racing a marathon inside her, she decided to take a trip to the diner to get a coffee in an attempt to clear her head. Poking her head in on Henry as she left, she saw him still fast asleep, and envied him greatly.

"Henry dear, I'm going out for a while. Don't stay in bed all morning."

"Ma… ma said you weren't supposed to go out by yourself. You're still not well."

"Well, you can tell Miss Swan that I'm no longer any of her concern. I'm perfectly capable of walking to the diner unattended."

"… Ok. Love you mom." Henry said simply as he turned over and settled back into sleep, eliciting an uncovered sob from Regina.

* * *

It seemed so easy to him, she considered as she walked glacially down Main Street, to love her. To love a monster, just as Emma did. She willed herself to walk taller, to give each passer-by a look of derision, but she was so tired. Physically and emotionally. Instead, Regina walked slowly and aimlessly, avoiding everyone's gazes and keeping her own fixed on the ground in front of her.

As she entered the diner, she was acutely aware that all eyes were on her. She was sure that the news of her getting her memories back had spread like wildfire, along with the scandal of her and the sheriff living together for the time that they had. No doubt people had had a field day with that tid-bit.

"Miss Lucas. I'll have my usual, when you're ready."

"Back to Miss Lucas now, is it?" Ruby seemed hurt. "We're friends, Regina."

"Miss Lucas, now is not the time for this conversation.." Regina begun, but before she could finish Ruby pulled her over to a vacant table and implored her to sit down.

"Emma's my friend too. She didn't tell me what happened, but I know she went to see you yesterday."

"Yes, she did."

"And you're not going to give you two a chance? I really think you could make each other happy, Regina.."

"That's beside the point."

"No, it's not. It's exactly the point."

Regina took a hasty breath in. "I don't believe I'm capable of making anyone happy at this moment, especially not Miss Swan."

"You already did make her happy, though. She loved you, she _loves _you. Don't you feel the same?"

"Perhaps I did." Regina admitted.

"I think you still do. You're just scared, and that's ok. Emma's scared too, this kind of thing isn't exactly normal for her. I just think that you guys should talk to each other, and find out what it is you both want."

"I don't know what I want." Regina answered simply, avoiding Ruby's gaze.

"I think it involves Emma though. Gods know I spent long enough trying to deny who I am, and what I really wanted to be, Regina. Don't do the same to yourself. You're a human being, and you want love and family just as much as anyone else in this room does." Ruby didn't say anymore, instead patting Regina hesitantly on the shoulder as she left her. Regina wondered how Ruby had known exactly what to say, and what she was feeling, but then she realised that the two women had at one point or another had in common a lot more than she could comprehend.

But, as usual, when Regina began to make progress with herself, she was interrupted. Emma walked into the diner, and upon seeing Regina, turned in her tracks and tried to walk away.

"Miss Swan." Regina called after her.

"Regina." she responded sardonically.

"Are you avoiding me?"

Emma seemed nonplussed. "I thought that was what you wanted."

"You know it wasn't." was all Regina could find to say at that moment. While she knew an admission was coming, she couldn't bring herself to it yet.

"Right, well, hi." Emma offered awkwardly.

"Hi." Regina responded, hiding a misplaced smile. "About last night…"

"Yeah?" Emma took a deep breath.

"I wouldn't have gone through with it. I would have stopped myself."

"You did."

"I know, but… I'm sorry that it ever even crossed my mind. Even for a fleeting moment. It was disgusting and callous, and… not… who I want to be."

"It doesn't matter. I mean, it does, but… I get it. As twisted and fucked up and dangerous as it was, I get it. That's how you deal with things, how you keep hold of things that you want. Or how you used to. Old habits die hard?"

Regina frowned a little at Emma's turn of phrase, no matter how true it was, and was suddenly acutely aware that they were still standing in the middle of the packed diner, with people around them from every side.

"Well, if that's established, then I'll be going. Goodbye, Miss Swan." Regina had been overcome with sudden nerves at the situation, and didn't hesitate about exiting the diner abruptly and walking home.

* * *

Emma, on the other hand, wasn't so reluctant to go home. She was in the dog house for not getting back to her parents' until 5 this morning, and wanted to avoid the sympathy she was drowning in at all costs. Instead, she decided to call on the one person who knew Regina better than anyone.

"Archie, can I come in?"

"Of course Emma, of course." Archie opened the door wide and cleared stacks of paper from a chair to allow space for the woman to sit. "Regina gave me a call a couple of days ago and explained that she wouldn't need to speak to me anymore, and I put two and two together. I was expecting her to come before you did, though."

"Well, something… happened. And I wanted your perspective."

"Oh?"

"Last night, I think Regina… I think she was about to rip my heart out." In Archie's defence, he tried very hard to hide his shock, only an eyebrow raise and a cough under his breath being a giveaway.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. She stopped herself. And that doesn't work with me, product of true love and all that bullshit."

"Right." Archie took a second's pause. "Do you understand why Regina went to that place?"

"I know that she wanted to try and control me, to own me.."

"While she was most definitely looking for control, I don't think it was Regina's intention to own you. Regina likes control in everything she does. You can see by the way she walks, the way she holds herself, in everything. Feelings are, for want of a better word, messy. Trying to regain control most likely seemed like her only option."

"Yeah, she sort of tried to explain that to me. I didn't listen though."

"That may have been her intention all along. She is, by nature, destructive. Whether she was aware of it or not, part of her wanted you to react, to get angry at her and reject her. Perhaps that would be easier than the alternative."

"Being happy, you mean?"

"Exactly. Being happy is a foreign concept to Regina, unfortunately. The fact that she stopped herself, though, shows that she's changed. Pulling out the hearts of those around you may seem barbaric to you or I, but to Regina, it's a coping mechanism. And her, in a sense, weaning herself from it, shows that she's truly turning a new page, and attempting to allow herself to be happy. I do believe that given time she will express what she wants. Which I have no doubt is what you want to."

"So that's what she needs. Time."

"If you're willing to give it."

"I think… I think I am."


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Hello! Danke once again for all your support. (fun fact: i did German at school for 3 years and just had to google that.) This is perhaps the chapter you've been waiting for, and is most definitely the beginning of the end. Sadly, it won't necessarily be straight plain sailing to the finish line, but I'm not going to do anything _too _horrible.**

**Enjoy chapter 17!**

_It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all_

_The opposite of love is indifference_

_So pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out_

_And I wont leave until you come downstairs_

_-The Lumineers, Stubborn Love_

* * *

Emma gave Regina time. And then some more. More time than she could bear. When you've been spending almost every second of every day together, an hour apart seems like an eternity. After just over a week, Emma was sure that any second she would crack and go running to Regina, but she knew that Regina needed to be ready for anything to happen. Henry had visited a couple of times, and both women were sure to make him travel by himself to avoid any awkward or too-soon conversations.

"Have you spoke to my mom lately?" Henry asked in the next visit, as himself and Emma sat in the diner one lazy afternoon.

"Not for a little while. Why, has she said something?" Emma said, alarmed.

"No, she hasn't said anything. Specifically. Sometimes, she'll mention you though. Something funny you said, or something you used to do when you guys were staying together."

"And how does she seem? When she says these things?"

"..Sad. I think she misses you." Henry tried, attempting to gauge a response in Emma's face. She remained resolute, however. Regina would only be ready when she came to her.

"I miss her too, kid. But she's… working through some stuff right now. Archie said I should give her some space to sort herself out, and I thought that seemed like a good idea."

"So you guys are pretty close now, huh?" Henry tried and failed to not sound suspicious.

"Yes, we are. _Friends._" Emma gave Henry a look, knowing that the ship had pretty much sailed now on him ever believing she felt anything platonic towards Regina. "Let's go back to the apartment for a couple of hours. David and Mary Margaret's, I mean." Emma really needed to cut the apron strings and move herself into her new apartment. She'd got far too comfortable living with her parents and brother, but in lieu of comfort from her son or Regina, she'd been helpless but to look for the next best thing.

* * *

A few hours later, as night came around, Emma was about to tell Henry it was time to go when her phone rang.

Seeing the name flash up, she hesitated. Drawing on a few tense breaths, and clearing her throat, she tried her best to appear nonchalant. "Henry's just about to leave."

"I was just calling to let you know that Henry is more than welcome to stay at your apartment tonight if he wishes." Regina's voice sounded forcefully harsh over the phone, and Emma recognised the cracks as she attempted to stay cold.

"..Oh. Well that's great, Regina. Thanks."

"You're welcome." There was a second's gap. "How are you?"

"Uh, I'm fine. Was there something else you wanted?" Emma said confusedly, tensing so that a line appeared between her eyebrows.

"I haven't seen you in a while. As you are well aware, the mayor and sheriff should be in regular contact, so as not to…"

"Regina, don't even go there with the 'mayor and sheriff' bullshit. Archie told me I needed to give you time, and that's what I'm giving you."

"That's… considerate of you. Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me. So seriously, do you have something to say?" Emma was secretly hoping for a profession of love. A profession of _anything,_ really. It was one thing to know someone felt something for you, but it was a whole other story actually hearing the words leave their mouth. "Regina?" Emma whispered comfortingly, realising that the woman had been quiet for longer than a few seconds.

"… I miss you, Emma." Regina choked out eventually, and was greeted by a second of silence before the other woman hung up the phone.

* * *

Regina remained seated on the side of the bed. _Emma's _side of the bed. She sat there in silence for a few minutes, staring blankly into space. Willing herself to feel something. To be angry, upset, embarrassed that she had essentially been rejected, but nothing materialised.

There was a knock at the door.

"Regina… Let me in… I know you're… in there." A tired, out of breath Emma was shouting from the other side of the front door, wheezing between her words. "Please… I ran all the way here…"

Regina breathed a sigh of relief to herself, stood up coolly, and walked down the stairs to the front door.

"Go home, Miss Swan." Regina responded, a tear finally escaping down her cheek.

"I'm not leaving until you speak to me. I'll be here all night."

"Very well." Regina pretended to leave, instead sitting against the wall a foot away from the door. She wanted to be near Emma. And if she was too afraid to admit that she needed her, this would have to do.

* * *

She wasn't sure how long she was there before falling asleep, and when she woke up again the sun was starting to rise. Opening the door to be sure Emma had left, she was greeted by the sight of the woman curled up on the porch, hugging her knees.

"See… Told you I'd wait. Just listen to what I have to say." The sound of the door opening had woken Emma, who had spent hours waiting for that very sound. Regina relented, and Emma brushed a hand across her face and unkempt hair and stood as Regina allowed entrance into the house.

Regina walked into the kitchen, and Emma followed awkwardly, as the first woman leant her hands on the counter and put her head down. Waiting for no further cue, Emma began.

"Every night since you've got your memories back, I've came here. I've left my parents' apartment, determined, ready to talk you. I've rehearsed a speech endless times in my head, and I'd repeat it all the way here. I'd never get further than the porch, though. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to know your response. The time I spent with you here was the most infuriating, painful… meaningful time of my life. But being without you is even worse. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't function, Regina."

"I'm failing to see what this has to do with me, Miss Swan. The ill-advised ways you wish to spend your time have no impact on me." Regina spun round to face Emma and clenched her jaw, but the quiver in her lip was still visible regardless.

"It's everything to do with you. Don't you get it? That true love's kiss… it was building off our feelings. At least on my end, it was. I'm in love with you, no matter how much I don't want to be. I used to stay up at night wishing for all these things; a home, parents, family, but even though I have all of that now, it's not enough. You're the only person I could imagine myself being happy with. And if you aren't interested, then that's fine. I'll walk away and try to forget what a complete ass I made of myself. But for that kiss to have worked… you need to feel at least _something _for me. You waited by that door for me all night, Regina. You were so scared you wanted to take my heart. You kissed _me,_ with true love. What does that tell you?"

"It tells me that I was a fool. Loving you was one of the less acceptable decisions my brain has decided to make, and believe me, there has been a lot of them."

"But you do? Love me?"

"What I do, or do not feel, doesn't matter now. I have my memories back."

"You also considered trying to rip my heart from my chest. And here I am."

"That wasn't… I'm sorry about that. I truly am. But I don't know what you want from me…"

"I don't want anything."

"Then _why _are you here, Miss Swan?"

"You told me that you missed me. And I didn't want you to, so here I am. And I know I probably shouldn't have hung up like I did, but I sort of wanted to get here as quick as I could."

Regina took a few deep breaths in, steadying herself. She stole a glance into Emma's eyes, still as endearing as ever even with the tears threatening to spill from them.

"I've been trying to prove something." Regina began, shakily. "Whether it's to myself, or to others, I don't know. I wanted to prove that I wasn't weak, and I wasn't the same as every other person walking around with love in their hearts. I didn't want to need anyone, to rely on anyone. But I needed you. I needed you more than I have ever needed anything in my life, and I couldn't handle that. I kissed you, and I remembered, and… nothing else really mattered, after that. All I could think about was this gnawing pain in my chest, that I'd made a mistake. I couldn't be the hero that I'd intended to be. And so I tried to rectify it, in the most inhumane, evil… typical way possible."

"Love didn't make me weak; I was already weak. This anger, this… evil inside me is what has been keeping me from being happy. You seem so willing to things for me, to make me happy with you getting nothing in return. And that scares me more than you can imagine. You are too good for me as I am now, and you deserve somebody better. But the fact that I've acknowledged my weakness, I think… is a start. A start to me being a good person, and being happy. It might not happen immediately, but if you give me some time, I believe I could make you happy too. You, Henry and myself; we could be happy together. And I'm sorry. And…" Regina looked away from Emma. "And I _do._"

"You do what?"

"love you." Regina finished simply, still miraculously holding it together.

"Well, that's…"

"But I can't offer you what you want from me at the moment."

"Which is?"

"Security. A home. A family."

"We already _are _a family, Regina. But right now, all I want is to go to bed with you. Not like that.." Emma noticed the look on Regina's face, "But I'm tired, and I can see you are too. I can't get to sleep without you. I just want some sleep."

"I think we could manage that."

* * *

The two women didn't bother to get undressed, instead getting straight into Regina's bed fully clothed. Unlike the nights before, Emma had no qualms about getting close to Regina, this time pulling the woman into her so that her chin was resting on Regina's head.

"What do you want, Regina?" Emma whispered.

"I don't know. Something. You." Regina mumbled, for once without a coherent train of thought to express.

"Isn't that enough? I know that you think you need to change, to get back to how you were before. I don't want you to change by yourself this time Regina, I want to be here with you. I want to help you."

"And how would you do that?" Regina moves a little away from Emma so she can turn over to look her in the eye.

"I could just be here. Me and Henry. You'd already changed, Regina, you just need to remember that. You're there."

"I know I did, but I'm… I don't want to get my hopes up. If you're sure that being here is what you want.."

"_You're _what I want."

Regina cut Emma off with a short, sweet kiss. "Let's get some sleep, I'm exhausted."

"Me too. I felt… lost without you." Emma admitted, and Regina smiled into another kiss. "I love you." Emma finished, and Regina turned over to settle back into Emma for the morning.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Hello! Toda (if any of y'all ship tiva too... the pain...) for reading/following/favouriting/reviewing, you guys are awesome. I considered adding this to chapter 19 and making it one big chapter, but it would have been so much longer than the others that I decided against it. Also, the next chapter has a slight trigger warning on that this one doesn't, and so if anyone doesn't wish to read the next chapter I wanted them to still have as much of the resolution as possible.**

**Enjoy chapter 18!**

* * *

_I could live in your old car_

_With the broken stereo_

_I want to be wherever_

_Wherever you are_

_Don't take my word for it_

_Just look at me and know that I love you_

_Don't take my word for it_

_Just look at me and know that I do_

_Look at me and know that it's true_

___-Angus and Julia Stone, Wherever You Are_

* * *

When Emma woke up, she was surprised to realise that, in spite of it being more than a couple of hours later; late morning, she guessed from the sun blaring in through the window, she hadn't been woke once by Regina. The latter woman was no longer in bed, but Emma could hear her on the phone in the corner of the room, and so kept her eyes closed to feign sleep.

"…You were right, Ruby." Regina sounded more relaxed, more blissful than she ever had in Emma's presence as she spoke to her friend on the phone. "I just wanted to thank you… Yes, she is… don't make me regret telling you, Ruby." Emma giggled to herself. "I may be in later… Ok, bye." Regina hung up the phone, and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I know you're awake, Emma."

"No I'm not." Emma muttered, burying her face under the covers.

"Eavesdropping is frowned upon in this land, unless I'm mistaken."

"I like hearing you talk like that, so sue me." Emma sat up and smiled at Regina. "Come lie back down for a while."

Regina leaned over the woman, giving her a slow, extended kiss that failed to erase the smile that had been forming naturally on her lips. As Emma moved her hands to the edge of Regina's shirt, however, Regina begrudgingly pulled away. "Henry's on his way over, the three of us are having lunch together."

"In bed? Come on, I'm tired." Emma whined, reminding Regina of their son. Laziness most definitely ran in the family.

"Get up." Regina raised an eyebrow at Emma, and attempted to be stern.

Emma simply smiled, her head tilted to the side. Regina was frankly annoyed at how sickly sweet that smile made her feel inside. "Don't direct that smile at me, Miss Swan."

"What - this smile?" Emma smiled even brighter, her eyes lighting up, just to annoy her.

"Yes, that one. In the interests of honesty, I fell in love with you the first time - well, the new first time - I saw you smile like that." Regina admitted begrudgingly, but feeling happy that she had when Emma pulled her onto her lap for a kiss.

"Can you believe how easy this feels? It's like we've just sort of… fell into a relationship."

Regina allowed herself to smile for a moment, before settling on a frown. "For now, yes. But you and me both know that a relationship between us will be far from perfect."

"It doesn't have to be perfect."

"Have you _seen _the other couples around here, Emma? Your parents are nauseating, and the hordes of others aren't far behind."

"It's not a competition! Relationships don't always have to start as these giant, romantic displays. They could just be two people, who are happier together than they are apart. Like you and me."

"And that's good enough?"

"That's good enough for me." Emma finished, planting another short, married couple-esque kiss on Regina's lips before nudging her so she'd stand up before she joined her. "Come on, let's get ready."

* * *

Henry arrived a little after 1pm, and thankfully didn't raise any questions about where Emma had slept last night after going to see Regina, or why the two kept stealing apprehensive, childish glances at each other.

After the three had settled down at the table with their food, Regina gave Emma an overly violent nudge under the table to broach the subject of their new living arrangement.

"So Henry." Emma inhaled, "If it's ok with you, you're going to live here for a while. With your mom. And me." Emma babbled, the words leaving her mouth much too fast, and she wished that she hadn't volunteered to be the one to break the news.

"What, the three of us?" Henry assumed he'd misheard.

"Yes, the three of us. Your mom is really trying to be a good person, and we both think that maybe if us two stay here we can help her do that, help her remember how to. What do you think?"

"Yeah, that's… cool." Henry took a second to process. "I mean, if it's going to help mom then of course I'll do it." The boy finished eating and left the table hastily before the conversation got any more emotional.

"Well, that went… I don't know how it went actually." Emma laughed a little, and looked across the table at Regina who seemed shell-shocked herself.

"He seems fine with it."

"That's good, right?"

"Of course. I've missed him being here full-time. It's just… that boy is remarkable. The way he takes things on board, and doesn't stop to think about it. He's always been intuitive; I think he knows what's going on."

"He knows what's going on, we just told him."

"Not what I was referring to."

"I don't think we should tell him yet." Emma confessed after a moment of deliberation. "One thing at a time."

"I agree. But, in spite of that, if he asks, I'm not going to withhold the truth from him. He's growing up, whether we like it or not, and he deserves to know what's going on between us." Regina ended this with a brief smile, and Emma moved her arm across the table to join hands with the other woman's. Short but sweet, she tapped it and got up.

"Yeah, you can imagine how that conversations going to go." Regina's face paled somewhat upon hearing that, and Emma realised that perhaps Regina needed encouragement and reassurance rather than jokes about her son disowning them. "I didn't mean that. The other week he was bugging me about confessing my feelings for you, the kid won't be able to shut up when he finds out."

"Let's keep it to ourselves for now then." Regina relaxed again. "Do you know, I've yet to see you stop smiling for even a moment today."

"I'm allowed to be happy, Regina. I haven't slept like that in months. Plus, the company wasn't half bad." Emma raised her eyebrows, a grin spreading once again on her face.

"I'm inclined to agree." Regina took a hesitant breath. "I still we do need to talk though."

"Didn't we do all of that last night?"

"Emma.." Regina looked in her eyes, trying to coax around the semblance of happiness and find some earnest feeling out of them.

"Right. Right, ok, let's go and sit down." Emma said with trepidation, honestly afraid that she had done it again; been too happy too soon, and now Regina was going to put a stop to it.

* * *

Emma's hand hovered over Regina's back as she was led into the next room, but she thought better of it and returned it to her side. The woman signalled for Emma to sit on the couch, as if she was a child in trouble, while Regina herself paced up and down the room with her arms defensively crossed over her stomach.

"I want to make sure that you aren't having second thoughts about all of this before it continues any further. It's better for you to leave now than to get caught up in more than you require." Regina announced, a thinly veiled attempt at formality.

"Seriously? After everything we said yesterday?" Emma was in disbelief that Regina was still so reluctant to trust her even after everything, and it put her on the opposite side of trust issues for once.

"It's fair to say I bared my soul to you last night. I've found that even when you have love to give, it doesn't always happen the way you want it to. I don't want you to feel pressured in any way into staying if you don't want to. I know that in the past, you've been… difficult to pin down."

"Don't go there. Don't try and insult me, Regina."

"I wasn't trying to. You can understand… I knew it had to be said."

Emma took a deep breath. "Sure, I've moved around a lot. A _hell _of a lot. That's how I was raised; 'Don't get too used to it here, Emma, you'll be moving soon.' The more you repeat something in your head, the harder it is to look past it. I became used to the idea that every place I went was just a stop gap, before some bigger event. I didn't know what it was that I was running to, I just knew that it better be good for all of that to be worth it. And then Henry came and found me." Emma looked down at her lap and smiled to herself, "And it was like… that was it. This was what I'd been waiting for. Sure I was scared, but all the things that are worth doing make you scared at first. Then the curse broke, and suddenly I had… a family. The family I never thought I'd get, and I couldn't believe my luck. When I first started feeling these things for you, I didn't want to accept them. I thought I already had more than I deserved, but then you decided that I was what you wanted and… I'm not going to run anymore, Regina. I've got nowhere to run from, and nowhere to run to."

"And you won't change your mind? Can you be absolutely sure? I'm sure I'd much rather know now than get too used to this only for it to end."

"I'm not going to change my mind."

"Good." Regina finished, still tensed and pacing, refusing to approach Emma in case she said something she would regret, or worse, something she wouldn't regret. "Tell Henry I'm sorry, but I need to go and have a lie down for a while. You and him can spend some time together, I fear I've been keeping him too much to myself for the past week."

"Ok." Emma agreed hesitantly, "are you.."

"I just need some time. To get my head around all of this, I haven't stopped yet to really think."

"Are _you _having second thoughts?" the idea filled Emma's throat.

"No, I'm not." Regina smiled wanly, "I can assure you. You said this morning that we'd fallen into a relationship, and you were right. While it's undeniably what I want, 'falling' into things isn't in my nature. This just isn't easy for me to accept, and I would appreciate some time in the quiet where I can wrap my head around it." Emma looked down, and Regina finally crossed over to her and laid a trembling hand on her cheek. "I promise you, Emma. I'm not changing my mind. I love you. There's just some questions that I.. don't want to ask, and I know if I stay in here any longer I will do."

"Fine." was all Emma responded as Regina left the room, secretly a little glad that Regina hadn't asked them.

* * *

**A/N: I'm going away again... I'M SORRY I'M SORRY. I'll be back in a couple of days though, and I'll upload the penultimate chapter at some point between Wednesday and Friday. So bear with :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Hey, it's me again! Plaiiiiiin to see again (sorry i'll stop). The penultimate chapter, gosh! And there's still new people following this each day, so a big hello to all of you! Grazie to everyone as usual for doing all the things that make me happy. 2 songs for this chapter, because I don't play by the rules.**

**Dream sequence in italics!**

**Warning: Brief reference/allusion to suicide. It's only a very small snippet of conversation, but if that's going to be triggering for you, it's possible to skip this chapter but still read the ending and understand it.**

* * *

_It's a heavy load upon our backs_

_Of things we carry from the past_

_My guilt-filled mind, it tried to run_

_But it traced us back to where we begun_

_-First Aid Kit, I Found A Way_

* * *

_You've always loved the strange birds_

_Now I want to fly into your world_

_I want to be heard_

_My wounded wings still beating_

_You've always loved the stranger inside me_

_-Birdy, Strange Birds_

* * *

_"Daniel." Regina's mother pulled the man away by the arm, her quiet tones seeming almost comforting in the dark, harsh setting of the stable. "If you want to have a life together, a family, then there's one important lesson I can impart on you. It's what it means to be a parent. You always have to do what's best for your children."_

_"Thank you. I understand. Because that's what you're doing now." Daniel smiled sincerely at the woman, and Regina couldn't hide her happiness at the fact that perhaps, for once, her mother would allow her the happiness she had always craved._

_"Yes, it is." Regina remained oblivious as her mother's expression changed from caring to sadistic, and for a moment she couldn't find the breath to speak as Cora's hand went plunging sharply into Daniel's chest._

_"Mother!" she eventually called out, shaken, and as Daniel gasped for air, his tall frame shrinking, collapsing to the ground, Regina screamed out. "Mother, why have you done this?" Regina was half in shock, half in disbelief as her mother so coldly squeezed all the love out of Regina's life._

_"Because this is your happy ending. You have to trust me, Regina. I know best." Cora sounded almost regretful at the situation in passing as her daughter pressed desperate kisses onto Daniel's lips, willing herself to be strong enough to bring him back. "Love is weakness, Regina. It feels real now; at the start it always does, but it's an illusion. It fades, and then you're left with nothing." Cora's voice turned wistful as she went for the big finish. "But power.. True power endures. And then you don't have to rely on anyone to get what you want. I've saved you, my love."_

* * *

Regina had hoped she was done with these dreams after Emma returned. Alas, it seemed that only one solitary night of respite was allowed for her, and as she panted and gasped for air in the light of the mid afternoon, she wondered if she would ever truly be free of them. Of the memories.

It had never before occurred to Regina that her mother had been the one who was instrumental in creating the Evil Queen. Of course, she knew she had some cards to play with Regina's transformation, but the blame in Regina's mind had always fell almost solely on Rumplestiltskin, for all the magic and manipulation he was worth.

She could see now that she was mistaken. Her mother had been playing her from the moment she was born. Evil is what you make of it, and Cora Mills had certainly known what she wanted to make of it in her daughter. Everything she was, everything she ever had been was what her mother had planned for her, and now, all the doubts in her mind about her relationship with Emma were being transferred directly from her mother's lips.

* * *

It was 5pm the next time Emma allowed herself to take a cursory glance at the clock, and she had spent up until then almost physically willing herself to stay out of Regina's bedroom. But the room had been silent for hours now, and she needed to check for her own peace of mind that Regina was ok.

She promised herself that she would simply poke her head round the door, and then leave. But, as she opened it, cursing under her breath as the door let out a low creak, she found the bed made pristinely and devoid of the woman she expected to be in it. She opened the door wider, afraid of what she might find, but all she saw was the room serene, with not an item out of place, save for the single piece of paper placed on the middle of the bed.

Emma approached it warily, as if the paper might come to life and bite her. It simply said "I love you." in painstakingly neat cursive, and before she knew what she was doing, she bolted out of the house.

She didn't stop to tell Henry where she was planning to go, or even that she was leaving, because she didn't know. She hadn't thought to put any shoes on, and running the streets in bare feet was surely going to cause her serious problems the next day, but she didn't care. She just ran, and ran, and ran, scanning every stretch of road with squinting eyes as she did so.

Emma had got to Henry's castle before she found what she was looking for. Regina was sat perched carefully on the side of the fence, just as Emma had been weeks before. She almost dropped straight to the ground with the relief flowing through her, and took a few seconds to compose herself before stumbling across the grass to where Regina was sat, looking down at her with a bemused look on her face.

"Where on earth are your shoes?" was the first thing said, bemused, after a lengthy silence.

"I was kind of in a rush. I thought you'd…"

"What?" recognition washed over Regina's face, "Oh, you thought I'd ended it all."

"You wrote that you loved me."

"And I do."

"I just thought… never mind." Emma took a few seconds to calm herself down, before climbing up the castle, and sitting on the fence next to Regina. "So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"Yes. If you'll listen. There's some things I need to say. To ask."

"Of course I'll listen." Emma frowned at Regina having to ask.

"Good. I just need a moment or two to collate my thoughts. I'm not entirely sure how to go about this."

"Alright." Emma swung her legs, the backs hitting the edge of the fence. Looking out over the scenery, and how still it was, Emma envied it. Always still, always pristine. There was change in nature, you could see that plainly from one day to the next, but as much as it changed you could predict it. You always knew what would come next.

"It's funny, that you came here." Emma eventually broke the silence.

"And why is that?"

"This is where I came after you… this is where I came." Emma decided against spelling it out.

"You can say it. After I almost tried to take your heart." Regina frowned. "This is what I don't understand, Emma. How can you see all of this, see me do that, and still…

"Still what?"

"How can you love a monster?"

Emma didn't say anything for a while. "I don't. I love _you_, Regina. You aren't a monster. You have guilt, and you've shown remorse. You've repented."

"But I have the potential to be. It's still inside me. Why aren't you afraid that I'll revert back to type, like I always do?"

"Because I trust you. I trust that you know the right path."

"I killed him."

Emma didn't need to ask who she was referring to, instead staying silent.

"I tried for the longest time to convince myself it was something other than what it was. That it was a necessary evil, but it wasn't. It was a cowardly thing to do."

"What do you want me to say, Regina? What are you looking for? Do you want me to say that I hated you, when I first found out? Because I did. I wanted to hunt you down in the night, and make you admit it like you just did. I wanted to hear the words, and see the look on your face as you said them. But you aren't that person anymore. That person would never have been able to sit next to me and admit that she'd done something bad that could have been avoided."

Regina didn't respond, not knowing what to say. So instead, she said what she knew. What she had always secretly knew. "I had a dream. Well, a memory. Daniel. My mother was… a part of me used to believe me and her were alike. But we weren't, not at all. I was what she made me. For the first time, I properly saw the look on her face as she did it." Regina sniffed, "I've never seen a look so emotionless. I wasn't like that when I killed Graham. I was desperate, and angry, and I was almost trying to will myself to stop it, to find some other way."

She continued. "When I met Daniel, I was lonely more than anything. I was completely oblivious to my mother's actions, or that what she was doing to me was in any way wrong. I believe that I just wanted somebody truthful, and innocent, like I was for that time. And then Daniel arrived, and I thought he was it. I thought he was what I was looking for, purely because he was what I secretly desired to recognise in myself. But he wouldn't have been right for me, had my mother spared him. He would not have liked the person that I've become. But then, without Daniel, I had nobody to aspire to be. Other than my mother, that is. I'd always looked up to her, in a disturbed way. The way she commanded such power, such control, with even the quietest, most unassuming of voices. Demanding to be heard. So I tried it; I let the evil inside me for the first time, and it was almost a relief. It was a comfort, and a safety blanket that I could always fall back on when I was scared. I never had the chance, or the courage, to escape it until Henry and you."

Regina looked Emma in the eye for the first time since the conversation started. "The two of you have given me the courage that I have always lacked to change my path. To forge my own destiny, good or bad. But I worry I've left it too late."

"Why would you think that?"

"I've done too much. Graham was the last in a very long line of people who I wronged. The magic I performed while I was without memories, it was dark. What if I can't go back to light again?"

"It was dark _because_ you didn't have memories. You didn't have your motivation to be good, but now you do. And about your dreams… I think they started because of me, you know, the saviour and everything. But I do think they've gone for good now. You only had one earlier because all this stuff was in the front of your mind, whether you were acknowledging it or not."

"You can't know that."

"No, I can't. But I can hope."

"Is hope truly all we have? Is that all that we've got to reassure us that this is going to be ok?"

"That isn't a bad thing. My mom's always talking about how powerful hope can be, and so's Henry. As long as we have hope, we'll be ok."

"Don't steal lines from your mother if you wish for me to agree with you." Regina smiled towards Emma.

"Hey, it was you that asked." The two women laughed to themselves, and Regina once again looked into Emma's eyes.

"I do love you Emma Swan. Truly. Even if I can't be sure of anything else."

"Good." Emma touched Regina's cheek. "Let's go home."

* * *

**A/N: Final chapter coming very soon!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Well, the end is nigh. So nigh, it has in fact arrived. You guys reading this story honestly means so much, and I may very well write you a little love letter at the bottom of this chapter.**

**It only felt fitting to take this opportunity to allow the story to finally earn its rating in the way we all want it to. Many apologies for my mediocre smut-writing skills, but I really tried! Without any further ado... enjoy chapter 20!**

* * *

_And in the gathering dew_

_I was lucid as a floodlight_

_I was thinking of you_

_But now I'm back here before you_

_You can see me shaking_

_Cause in that moment I knew_

_I just knew, I just knew, I just knew_

_-Stornoway, (A Belated) Invite to Eternity_

* * *

"I'm going to go and see Dr Hopper now, if that's ok with you. He's long overdue a visit." It was early the next morning after a nightmare-free night, and Emma had only just woken up. After yesterday, however, she felt relieved, if a little blindsided, by Regina's first words to her.

"Sure, want me to come with?"

"It's quite alright dear, you can take Henry and go and pack up some of your belongings. Those jeans are getting rather… tired." Regina gave them a cursory glance, kissing Emma on the cheek briefly and leaving before Emma could jump to her trousers' defence.

* * *

"I'm really pleased you decided to come by and see me, Regina. The last time Emma and I spoke she was concerned about you." Archie and Regina were once again sat in his cluttered office, and the woman blushed slightly at the mention of Emma's name.

"Yes well, it's safe to say I gave her reason to be concerned."

"I hope you don't mind that she told me what transpired between the two of you last week. You understand that it was said in confidence, and I would never…"

"Relax, Dr Hopper. I trust you." It was a throwaway comment, but said with the earnest backdrop that Archie had often found lacking in their conversations before the accident.

"I'm glad. Now, what is it you want to talk about?"

"Emma and I had a conversation, and we… well I, decided that I'm going to actively work to make myself a good person."

"To be rid of evil?"

"Exactly."

"I'm pleased that you can admit that, Regina. But I'm curious; what is it that makes you think that's necessary?"

"When I was without memories, I unintentionally performed small acts of magic. It was undoubtedly dark, and I believe that when I remembered it triggered a manifestation of evil inside me."

"Did you not consider that perhaps it was just faulty magic?" Archie questioned, looking up from his notepad to catch Regina's reaction.

"Of course not, my magic doesn't _do _faulty."

"You were recovering from a major head trauma, Regina. You had absolutely no control over your magic, or indeed, the knowledge that it even existed. To ignore the possibility that it was merely faulty magic would be a mistake."

"I'm not sure I can afford to believe that."

"Ok, I have an idea." Archie stood up, and moved out of the way of the chair he had been sat in. "Do some magic for me."

"What do you take me for; a commonplace magician? I'm afraid I left my top hat at home." Regina gave him a haughty look of derision. Archie couldn't pretend that he didn't enjoy Regina's wit at times, and gave her a smile.

"Humour me, Regina. Lift this chair."

Sighing, Regina stood, and focused her attention on to the chair. She spent a second or two taking in it's appearance; the tatty fabric, the tiny splinters of wood jutting out of the arm rests, the scuffs at the bottom of the legs. Before she knew it, she could feel the magic begin to rise in her fingertips.

"Look down, Regina." Regina almost sensed a pride in Archie's voice, and was about to question it when she obeyed and saw the white light glowing around her palms.

"It's…"

"White magic. You'd put so much effort into changing who you were, and I don't believe there is a person on this earth who could suddenly revert back so simply without an input. There's good inside everyone, Regina, especially you. You just need to believe."

"You're beginning to sound like Snow White." Regina snarked, in spite of the raw emotion, the -relief- bubbling inside her.

"I don't know if it will be of use to you, but I know that a fair few people share the belief that love and hate can't coexist within a person. You've shown that you love your son, and.." Archie hesitated, "potentially there's somebody else you have love for now as well. Evil and love can't both fully belong inside you at the same time, they're opposing - they cancel each other out."

"You believe that?"

"It doesn't matter what I believe." Archie stressed. "It matters what _you _do."

Regina looked at Archie with her brow furrowed for a moment, as if in disbelief that what he had said rang true with her. "Thank you Dr Hopper."

"Any time. And I mean that, Regina."

* * *

In recent months, Regina had most certainly gained the propensity towards actions that made Emma Swan fall for her even more. Watching the woman smile gleefully as she showed Emma the white glowing cover her hands, the blonde was sure that she could never love somebody as much as she loved Regina in that moment. That in spite of all her faults, her doubts and her insecurities, something such as this could fill Regina with so much joy was something that resonated with every chord of Emma's loving body.

"I'm waiting for the 'I told you so'" Regina noted as she finished with a flourish, raising an eyebrow at Emma accusingly.

"You don't deserve one, you needed to realise for yourself." Emma walked up to Regina and laid her hands on the woman's back.

"Against all the odds, sometimes you know the right thing to say." Regina sighed, and smiled loosely at the arrogant grin that overtook Emma.

"You know it. I love you." Emma kissed the woman passionately on the lips, putting one hand on the back of her neck. "How 'my parents' is it for me to say that I'm really looking forward to spending every day with you?"

"I'll have to drum the Charming gene out of you, I fear." Regina smirked half-heartedly into a smattering of short kisses, "I love you too, Miss Swan. Where's Henry?"

"Gone to see friends."

With that, Regina held onto Emma tighter, and Emma registered the familiar smoke billowing around her, clearing as she found herself stood in Regina's bedroom.

"So, that isn't just an evil thing?"

"That's an 'I needed you in my bedroom' thing." Regina muttered, once again attaching herself to Emma's lips. The two continued to kiss standing for a few minutes, Emma pulling at Regina's lower lip and biting it, eliciting a quiet moan from the woman. Taking that as her cue, Emma began to unbutton Regina's shirt, pulling it swiftly from her shoulders.

She looked into Regina's eyes for a moment, and was struck by the warmth she saw emanating from them.

"What are you waiting for?" Regina whispered in a low tone, guiding one of Emma's hands onto her breast and taking a second to look at her with earnest, -willing- her to understand how she felt inside. Regina raised a hand to Emma's lips, and as two of Emma's fingers began to tease at her nipple through the fabric of her bra, she pulled Emma's face to her neck, imploring the woman to leave a trail of kisses along her clavicle.

Emma felt as though every touch, every gaze, every argument the two women had ever had was in anticipation of this moment. She wasn't ashamed to admit she'd thought about it before, in the midst of an argument: wiping the smug smile off the woman's face and taking her right there on the cold floor of her office. But this was different. She was in love. Every movement she made had a purpose, slow and meaningful. She sat on the edge of the bed, pulling Regina in between her legs and then moved her hands to the woman's hips.

Regina undid the zip at the back of her skirt, and adjusted herself slightly as Emma smoothly pulled it down and allowed it to drop to the ground, shaking fingers lightly grazing the naked skin of her thighs. Emma then began to lay kisses onto Regina's stomach, with hands either side of her head holding the woman's hips in place. She allowed one finger to tease at the top edge of Regina's underwear, and with that the brunette pushed Emma back so she was lying half on the bed underneath her.

Emma used her arms to pull herself further onto the bed, so she was lying horizontally across it. Regina straddled her hips, and pulled her tank top off for her with one deft movement. She took a few moments to marvel in the sight of Emma lying beneath her, muscles in her arms and stomach tensing in anticipation.

Regina leant down onto Emma, their bodies lying flush against each other. Pausing before their lips met, she allowed again to look deep into Emma's eyes, the woman's desire flashing through them. Bringing one hand down, she heavily ran one hand over Emma's center through her jeans, and Emma's eyes closed momentarily.

"Too many clothes." was all Regina said as she broke from Emma's lips for the shortest of seconds, and lifted off Emma's hips so the woman could expertly pull her jeans off.

The women's underwear still created a barrier between them, but Regina was reluctant to remove them, taking a few moments to enjoy the friction created as she rubbed the material against Emma's underneath. Still refusing to take their eyes away from each other's, the two women fumbled with clumsy fingers to take off their underwear, and once the final barrier was gone Regina sat up so she was once again sat on Emma's hips.

Emma looked up at Regina, naked and smiling above her. This woman loved her. This wasn't about sex, it wasn't about intimacy. Emma wanted to be close to Regina, to protect her. She ran a hand lazily up and down Regina's thighs, the movement resulting in goosebumps on pristine olive skin.

She sat up and placed a hand on the back of Regina's head, lifting her steadily until Regina's head lay among the pillows at the top of the bed and Emma was hovering over her. "I love you." Emma stated simply once again, and repeated it after each kiss she placed on Regina's stomach on her way to her hips. Once she got there, she parted Regina's legs, and after running her hand slowly up and down Regina's sex a couple of times, she began to play with the engorged clit in front of her with her tongue, still being sure to look Regina in the eye.

As Regina's neck rolled her head back, finally separating her gaze, Emma focused, allowing two fingers to enter Regina and curl inside her. Regina gasped, and Emma began to repeat this motion with increased frequency until Regina's legs tensed and un-tensed around her as the woman called out her name.

Emma began to move up Regina's body towards her mouth, but before she could reach it, Regina sat up, making Emma wobble slightly until she now sat on top of her naked form. Without another word, Regina attached her lips to Emma's left nipple, teeth biting lightly, she moved her hand in between them until two of her fingers entered Emma. Evidently, Emma was already close, and began to grind on Regina's lap. Regina felt a heat rising in her once again, and leant back. As she did so, their clits brushed against each other, and this was enough to send both women over the edge.

Regina lay sated for a few minutes, more from the intensity of being under Emma's gaze than the act itself. People didn't often look at her like that, if at all, and when they did she knew it meant something.

* * *

"Do you want food?" Emma said, leaning over Regina for another short kiss.

"It's 2 to 1. Don't you want me to even the score?"

"Eh, we've got the rest of our lives." Emma shrugged, another grin over-taking her face. "And I'm really hungry."

Regina followed Emma and stood up, pulling her into another kiss before getting reluctantly dressed. "I love you. Again." she said, still marvelling at how easily the words could now tumble from her mouth.

"And I love _you._" Emma looked at her as she opened the door, and was greeted by a sheepish looking Henry.

"Uh… hi."

"How long have you been standing there?" Regina asked, her face burning, staring daggers into the side of Emma's head, who was in turn looking anywhere but at her son.

"Just a second. For the.. Love… bit." Henry cringed, and thanked all the gods he could think of that he hadn't got home a second sooner.

"So yeah, funny thing. We actually need to talk to you about something…"

* * *

**A/N: Wow. wowee. This is the first time ever I've started to plan and write a fic before publishing, and I really wasn't sure what the reception would be. And then you guys came along, and you read and followed and favourited and reviewed. This story now has over 30,000 views, and I honestly can't believe it. If I could, depending on personal preference, give you all hundreds of kisses/hugs/firm handshakes/high fives/awkward nods, I would. Thank you thank you thank you.**

**Jess xxx**


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